People...I love getting presents. I mean, who doesn’t? It usually involves someone I care about, who has spent time and effort thinking about me and what I enjoy and then gone and bought something with the intention of making me happy. That’s a pretty great thing to be involved in.

But sometimes, they get it wrong. And then it’s super awkward, because you have to act like they totally nailed it and that a salt and pepper shaker shaped like two cats having sex is exactly what you always wanted.

So if you’re considering purchasing a gift for a loved one, and you’re leaning towards a sex toy - here’s a few tips to help you avoid the worst case scenarios.

1. Who is the sex toy for

Sex toys are an awesome gift. Who doesn’t want the gift of orgasms? And if they don’t want orgasms, then they can still use a nice dildo as a table ornament, right?

But if we’re being strategic there are some people you’re probably not likely to buy sex toys for - your parents, your boss’s kids, or your pets, for instance. I’m not judging you if you do - we’ve all got unique relationships with people in our lives. But when it comes to sex toys, it’s good to have an intimate knowledge of the person you’re buying for - that way you can get them something you know they’ll enjoy.

So let’s focus on buying strategies for fuck buddies and friends. Congratulations on having both, by the way. You champion.

When buying a sex toy as a gift, the first thing to consider is the person receiving it. Just like buying them socks, you want to be sure you get the right pair. Are they a plain black sock person, or one of those exotic argyle print type posers?

Presumably you’re buying for someone you’ve either had sex with before or discussed sex with. Hopefully you’ll have a good idea of what they do and don’t enjoy sexually. This understanding of sexual preferences is going to form the foundation of your purchase.

Do they enjoy fingering, or a good fuck?

Are they into blowjobs, or rim jobs?

There are sex toys to stimulate and simulate just about every part of our bodies, so have a think about what part of sex gets your fuck-friend off and then tailor your sex toy purchase to address that.

2. Respect people’s boundaries

You may want to buy something for someone that neither of you have ever tried; for instance bondage rope, a sexy Eeyore costume, nipple clamps, etc.

Your enthusiasm knows no bounds!

But before you whip out the Mastercard, you need to consider the relationship you have with this person.

It’s very easy to view a gift as an obligation. Buying someone a sex toy as a gift can make them feel like they have to use it, even if they’re not super comfortable with the idea. For instance if you buy them a roll of bondage tape, but they’ve never really thought about doing bondage play before, they might feel like you’re coercing them into a situation they’re not 100% comfortable with.

Imagine if someone spent a heap of money buying you skydiving lessons, when you’re deathly afraid of heights. Not a super awesome move, right?

Remember, this gift is something that should give them pleasure, it’s not an opportunity for you to try out that thing you’ve been fantasising about for ages or to shame them into doing something they’re reluctant about.

But if you know that your gift receiver is super cool about trying new things, or it’s something you’ve discussed previously and they’ve expressed enthusiasm for, then go for it!

3. Sex toys you should NOT buy

When buying sex toys, remember that the price is normally indicative of the quality of materials being used. And if you’re going to ask someone to put something in, on, or around their genitals, you probably want it to be of a reasonable quality.

For this reason, I beg you, don’t buy gag gifts or novelty sex toys. You know the ones I mean; battery operated singing genitalia, knitted costumes for nipples and knobs, USB powered “horny” animals whose repetitive fucking could power a perpetual motion machine.

These products are made with the lowest cost materials and absolutely no thought to the kind of damage they can do to a body. They might seem funny or cute, but they actually play into the idea that people who enjoy sex are the punchline - they don’t make you look like a clever gift giver, they make you look like you’ve just discovered your own genitals for the first time and can’t stop giggling as you poke at them.

Don’t be that person.

Make sure whatever product you’re looking at buying doesn’t contain phthalates (carcinogenic materials).

Most sex toy store workers will be able to tell you which products are safe, and if you’re buying online you can usually do a quick Google to find out.

4. Do your research

Read some online reviews of toys you’re considering. A good review won’t just tell you if a toy is “good” or “bad”, it’ll also tell you who it would be well suited to.

For instance a review of a vibrator will tell you whether it’s suited for clitoral stimulation or g-spot stimulation. Useful information for vagina owners!

Usually a quick Google of the product name and ‘review’ will bring up some useful results. But if you know the kind of toy you want (e.g. a butt plug), but aren’t sure what exact product to buy, you can check out review sites for suggestions.

Definitely check out OhJoySexToy for some entertaining, illustrated reviews (and occasional porn comics), or HeyEpiphora for the world’s most comprehensive catalogue of sex toy reviews.

5. Leave nothing to chance

Once you’ve decided on the gift you want to buy, you may want to consider a few small accessory purchases. For instance, if you’re buying something that’s battery operated, make sure you buy batteries. Just like opening presents as a kid, there’s nothing more disappointing than having an exciting new toy and not being able to play with it!

Alternatively, if it requires charging, it might be worth gently taking it out of the packaging and giving it a few hours of charge before wrapping it. That way if anyone wants to take it for a test drive straight away, they can.

Remember to find out what kind of lubricant the toy is compatible with, and if you don’t have any, stock up. Most silicone toys can't be used with silicone lubricant, so grab a good quality water-based lube to have ready.

6. Giving the gift

Once the day of gift giving arrives, remember that the impending orgasmer may not actually want to engage with it straight away. Don’t be disappointed and definitely don’t give them shit about it.

Gift giving occasions such as birthdays, Christmas, baby showers, etc can be pretty hectic and stressful, so it’s completely fair to want to wait until the world is a bit more chill before getting busy with a new toy.

If you’re buying for a fuck buddy, and they’re a first time toy owner, they may want to play with it on their own first. Even experienced masturbators will often prefer privacy with new toys due to the hit and miss nature of assisted wanking. So remember to respect their privacy if that’s what they’d prefer.

So there you have it dear readers, your guide to giving good sex (toys). This might seem daunting, but remember if you take the time to do it properly a good sex toy can be a thoughtful and romantically personal gift to give to someone you care about.

And let’s be honest, who doesn’t want to give the gift of an o-face?

That is all.

You may go now.

Gifting sex toys