People...I don't have a penis. This is a fact that makes me sad about one week a month, and immensely happy the rest of the time. Not having a penis though, means that I'm not privy to all of the wonderful and not so wonderful things that go along with penis ownership. To amend this biological oversight, I have enlisted the assistance of someone who does have a penis (and is rather fond of it). Here to talk to you today is Mr. Fox. He will be discussing the problems faced by cis-gendered, heterosexual men when it comes to buying and using sex toys. This isn't to say that everyone outside this demographic has a fun and fancy-free time when it comes to buying sex toys, but Mr. Fox's experiences are limited to his own life, so we'll tolerate his privilege just this once.
This article is about one little part of the outdated, hurtful and unnecessary rainbow of shame society likes to cast down on individuals that stray from the accepted sexual path. There is an entire rainbow of shame to go around; for women, for people who identify as gender-fluid, trans or intersex, shame for bisexuals and homosexuals…it’s a big fucking rainbow.
What we’re going to discuss today is the very specific relationship between a heterosexual penis owner, said penis and the sex toys he fucks. Or (more commonly) the strained, shameful, secret or non-existent relationship that some guy I know had with this thing, that may or may not have been left behind after a drunken buck’s party. Because let’s face it, this is the degree of separation most guys need to establish between a sex toy and themselves before the topic can safely be discussed.
It’s something you never want anyone to know. The deep dark secret; that you might want to try a Fleshlight, or have already tried one, and even worse, you liked it. And we’re not even going to get started on butt toys. The very idea that you might want something more than your own hand to get yourself off is something we inherently know to keep to ourselves, buried real deep. Why the need for such distance? The answer is status. Well, shame first and then status. Our society views a male sex toy, especially a vagina replica, as a desperate attempt to simulate a partner a man has failed to attract.
Close your eyes and picture a man walking out of a store with a fake vagina. Does he have a certain desperation to him? He probably doesn't smell great. Does he have a horniness not returned by the world around him? Is there a cloud of perceived negative social status cocooning him in his loneliness? Watch as he shuffles home to grunt and groan into his new silicone friend.
Maybe we’re being a bit harsh on Mr Make Believe, but you didn't exactly picture George Clooney, did you? I’m guessing he wasn't successful or naturally confident, two features that we're all inherently attracted to in men.
We as a society are geared to judge each other instantly and unconsciously. Women on their looks and men on their social status. I’m talking broad stokes here. A male sex toy is a perfect manifestation of the lack of status required to attract a partner. But this is all bullshit. Sad Bullshit. And we shouldn't be ok with it.
It can feel great to put your dick in things, and a toy specifically designed for this is going to tick a lot of sensitive boxes.
Men who want more, who want to explore and play and enjoy their penises and any part of their bodies should (just like everyone) be able to do so without any negative feels.
There are any number of reasons for buying a masturbatory aid. Some men have partners who travel or they’re in long distance relationships. Some men have lost a partner, but not their sex drive. Other men, for a number of reasons, can't expect their partner to be sexually active or have a disparity between their sex drives. Some men just want to know what it feels like, want to try it. Other men just like an orgasm before bed, or want to put their morning wood to good use. Not to mention, masturbators like Fleshlights can be great tools for practicing and training the body and brain to prevent premature ejaculation and help extend performance time. And none of these reasons should make a man afraid of ‘being found out’.
A lot of positive toy fucking experiences are being withheld from penis owners, their partners and their relationships because of the fear of being found out by friends, family or society at large. The embarrassment, shame and loss of social standing prevents a lot of men from even considering the possibility of trying a sex toy, let alone crossing the doorway into a sex shop or clicking onto one online.
Sex toys can be great in relationships when a partner is not up for penetrative sex, but wants to be involved in their partner’s orgasm. This can open sexy times up to naughty stories, dirty talk, visual stimulation, or even voyeurism. Male sex toys can genuinely live up to the old ‘Marital Aid’ label that vibrators and dildos used to hide behind.
My first fuckable toy was a gift from my girlfriend at the time. She bought it for me to help both of us out when she wasn’t up for penetrative sex. When I realised that I was now a man who owned a sex toy, I got a gigantic knot in my stomach. I felt that I had somehow failed as a man just by having this thing in my sock drawer. My girlfriend had to work really hard to convince me to use it for the first time. But damn, after that first go I didn’t need any more convincing! It felt amazing. We used it together for the first few times and then I started actively using it on my own. I started wondering what all of that internal drama had been about.
Everything would have continued being great until one day when we had a friend unexpectedly drop past. This supposedly sex positive friend walked in to the bathroom and found it drying on the bathroom counter. She gave a shriek of laughter and sprinted into the other room to shame me. Apparently she couldn’t handle the wait enough to walk. Fucking ran to the shame giving. When even sex positive people feel that it’s okay to shame a man for having a sex toy, you have to wonder…why all the hate?
Where is all this negativity coming from? Cis-gendered, heteronormative men have enjoyed a nice long streak (like, forever) of doing whatever the fuck they want. How can we have this black spot in our joyous parade of privilege? Monocle dropping outrage!
Male sex toy shaming is sadly, and wholeheartedly, self inflicted. Men can be competitive assholes and upon finding anything ’lesser’ about another guy will often joyfully and loudly make this now lesser human being feel like shit. Because status.
We are constantly reaching for status, promoting our status or protecting our status. So this is where you can change your behaviour and try to turn this bullshit around.
The challenge is simple; don’t be a dick about where another guy sticks his dick.
Sincerely encourage anyone who looks a little tightly wound to give a toy a try.
If you find out a dude owns, has tried, or wants to try a toy, don’t giggle. Don’t broadcast that shit and try to make that dude feel less. Instead, high five him for wanting to boldly penetrate a useless taboo.
Salute a penis owner for sticking his dick into a forbidden realm and being brave enough to share his tale.
Fuck the shame rainbow and go fuck yourself (you'll love it).