The Ultimate Guide to Visiting Melbourne Brothels
People...I have dyscalculia. This means that while I’m pretty good with the spelling and the grammar and whatnot, I am completely rubbish when it comes to numbers. So when tax time comes around, I hire an accountant. Similarly, I am utterly hopeless with making my hair or face look pretty, so if I have a fancy event where I need to not look like a botched Wolverine clone, I will hire someone to make me look presentable. What I’m saying is, I believe in hiring the right person for the right job. And sometimes that job is sex.
Going to a brothel to see a sex worker can be a daunting experience, especially if you haven’t done it before. So today I thought we could take a look at exactly what you can expect if you’re planning on visiting one. An amazing Reddit user by the name of “Average_punter” (AP) has graciously given me permission to re-print the guide he wrote here. And thanks to our in house expert, Dame Pussington, we have upgraded it to include insights from people actually working in the industry.
So, without further ado, please enjoy your Ultimate Guide to Visiting a Melbourne Brothel.
I’m in my early 40s and I visit sex workers. Why? Because I've come out of a 20 year monogamous marriage, have never done anything like this before, have the cash and I’m not ready to date yet. I also figured I’d be safer from STIs than Tinder. Plus, well… I’m in my 40s, balding and out of shape…
Where? Melbourne, Australia. A city where there are legal, licenced brothels operating under a legalised (not decriminalised) framework.
How many? 5 different Brothels, 10 different sex workers including one private escort (holy shit that actually seems like a lot now that I've written it down).
Terminology – I’m going to use “sex worker” and “escort” because the word “prostitute” is a shitty slur that the industry is trying to wean people off of using.
BEFORE YOU GO
Many brothels have websites where you can read short bios of the girls. Most of them have fake pictures (the fine print says the image is a "likeness only", and the likenesses are usually not all that accurate). This is because, in Victoria sex workers can only legally advertise using photos from the shoulders upwards. Since most people aren't super keen on having a passport photo on a brothel website, they have to make do with random images.
The website will also usually have a roster, so you can see who’s working and when. That way, once you get to know the girls you know whether the ones you like are working, and can even make a booking in advance for a girl you particularly like.
Hygiene! Clean yourself before going. Have a shower, wash your hair, clean your junk (including your arse!), clean your teeth, use mouthwash and put on clean clothes BEFORE heading to the brothel. Yeah, you’ll have to shower again before your booking (more on that later), but do you really think you’ll get the best service if you turn up with stink lines and flop your musty old cheese dick out for inspection? Or if you’ve cleaned your dick immaculately, but forgotten to scrub your arse, which is only a couple of inches away.
Shave your face before you go. Run your hand over your face and neck, does it feel like stubble? Now imagine that being rubbed on the most sensitive parts of your body several times a day. It would be irritating. If you want the best service then shave. If you have a beard then shampoo it. If it's clean and smells nice then you're more likely to get better service.
When it comes to pubes, avoid shaving before going in. Your best bet is to trim your hair back with clippers, but not so short that it’s going to be spiky. Razor rash or short spiky hair isn’t any better around your dick than it is around your face.
Many Melbourne parlours have off the street parking, or some behind a 6+ foot fence for privacy. Some of them even have sheets you can place over your car for further privacy.
None of the ones I’ve visited have large signs out the front. In general they’re the kind of place you could easily drive past without knowing what it is.
All of the parlours I visited had a front door you couldn’t open without being buzzed in. They use the video cameras to judge whether you’re ok to enter, so try not to look like a total derro.
When you’re buzzed in the manager meets you at the door or front desk and asks whether you’ve been to their establishment before. If you haven’t then they explain how their parlour works, what the prices are, and often how many service providers (sex workers) are available at that time.
They’re usually very friendly and try to put you at ease. If they’re experienced staff, they’ll know that you’re nervous and try and help you out, but if you’re the kind of person who comes across as a bit rude when you’re nervous, it might be worth saying something to reception or the girls about it being your first time (otherwise you might find that there are no girls available).
THE INTRO ROOM
Many parlours have what’s called an intro room, which is basically a small room with 2 chairs, or a small couch. Some however just have one large room, usually called “the lounge”. Some have both, but if it’s busy they’ll take you to the lounge, where you have the joy of waiting with other clients. This only happened once to me. I did a great job of never making eye contact with anyone.
Once you’re in the intro room or lounge, the girls will come in individually to introduce themselves. It usually has a CCTV camera up in the corner looking at you. The cameras aren’t just there for safety, it also usually has a live feed to the front desk and/or the girls' change room, so that they can judge whether or not they want to introduce themselves to you. Sometimes there's a case of a client being someone a sex worker knows personally, so cameras are super handy for avoiding that particular scenario.
Try to build rapport in the intro room. Choose a girl you have some chemistry with. Yes, there might've been a hotter girl, but would you rather have sex with someone who breezed in for 15 seconds and didn’t give a fuck because she’s so hot she knows she’ll walk out and get booked straight away, or someone who’s only slightly less hot but took the time to sit down and chat with you for 2 minutes?
Most sex workers give much better service to a guy who’s average looking but friendly, clean, respectful and tries to build rapport vs a guy who’s hot but a complete fuckwit.
RIGHT OF REFUSAL
Remember, the girls are human. Yes, they’re providing a service, but that doesn’t mean you can be an arsehole. Sex workers have right of refusal which means it’s illegal for anyone to make them sleep with you if they don’t want to. This is important, because while visiting a brothel to get laid might seem like a “sure thing” you should treat it more like visiting any other retail or service based business. If you look like shit, treat the staff like shit, or are generally kind of a dick; don’t expect to get service.
Equally if you are particularly rude, disrespectful or abusive to a worker, they have the right to terminate the booking on the spot and you will not be refunded any of the amount you have paid.
BECOMING A REGULAR
If you go to the same parlour and book the same girl on a semi-frequent basis, you will become one of her ‘regulars’. A lot of sex workers will make their regulars a priority, because they become a source of reliable income, and also because they get a chance to build genuine rapport.
One time I was put in the waiting room I saw 3 guys come in. One of them must have booked a GFE in advance and brought flowers for the girl. It was really sweet. The girl came to the waiting room in a nice dress to pick him up and took the flowers with a big smile. I thought she did a really good job for the guy. At some parlours you can book an escort call, so the two of you can go to dinner or a hotel together.
Some of the more popular girls get booked out in advance by their regulars. So if you like someone then you should probably book them so you don’t miss out.
Here’s where it gets a little complicated.
Brothels are legally only allowed to charge you for the room rental. They’re like really short stay hotels, ones that just haaaaapen to have a room full of mostly naked women you might bump into at the coffee bar. Sex workers are contractors, charging rates for services and set amounts of time.
To make life easier for everyone, most brothels will bundle their prices in with a flat rate for the service providers into little time based packages for “standard” and “deluxe” services. Depending on the parlour they might have rates for bookings of 20 mins, 30 mins, 45 mins and 1 hour (once you book and you’re in the room, you’re normally able to extend the session if you want to).
A parlour might charge say $150 for 30mins of “standard” service. Half of that money will go to the service provider and half will go to the parlour for the room (although the split is different at every parlour, with many of them being 60-40 in the brothel's favour).
A standard service usually includes the basics of a “massage”, hand job, penis in vagina sex and oral on you, and you get to cum once. That might sound like fun, but most sex workers and clients will tell you that the real fun is found in the “deluxe” or “extras”.
Extras should be discussed with the service provider in the intro room. So if you know that you’re looking for someone who will do anal, or a toy show, or whatever, make sure you bring it up with them at the intro, because not all sex workers will provide all services.
What’s defined as an extra, and how much the extras are, is entirely up to the individual sex worker. Typical extras include things like kissing her breasts, her kissing your body, you giving oral to her, kissing each other on the lips, fingering, deep throat blow job vs normal blow job. Basically anything above and beyond a hand job and penis in vagina sex.
Don’t try to haggle with the girls. Many of the places have signs on the walls asking you not to do this. I reckon it’d be pretty demeaning “So you want $50 extra to suck your tits? Best I can do is $30”
To make the whole extras thing easier, some girls offer packages like...
The Girlfriend Experience (GFE) came about as a short hand for a more intimate service that was meant to mimic the experience of being with someone you were dating. Less fucking and more making love. It focuses more on kissing, going down on the sex worker, kissing her breasts, etc. It varies from worker to worker, so if you’re seeing someone for the first time make sure you find out what she includes in her service. Sadly it's not the actual experience of having a girlfriend, because then it would just be three hours of asking each other what you want to eat for dinner.
The Porn Star Experience (PSE) came about as being more for people who wanted to feel like they were in a porn shoot. Less making love and more fucking. So the focus here is more on deep throat blow jobs, sex toys, more positions, etc. Again though, make sure you discuss this with the service provider first because you might be looking for something that she doesn't offer.
Condoms and criminal charges
There are often signs on the wall throughout a parlour with stuff like the standard rates and advice on safe sex. "No glove, no love" kind of thing. What they might not tell you directly is that it’s actually illegal for anyone to provide a service without a condom. If you ask for sex without a condom, you’re going to be seen as either a total rookie, or kind of a douchebag depending on how pushy you are about it. Keep in mind, if a service provider offers you sex without a condom, you’re not the first person she’s done that for. So as long as your dick is comfortable with sharing whatever was on every other dick before yours then, great.
Oh, and it should go without saying, but if you’re thinking of “stealthing”, i.e. removing the condom without her noticing, then let’s not forget that that’s rape. And they will call the police on you.
Remember that most brothels also have cameras in the intro room as well as the entrance and exits. You may be banned from the brothel and (in extreme cases) your photo may be sent to local sex worker advocacy groups to be distributed around other brothels, so they can deny entry to potential predators. As long as you treat people with respect and don't try and rape anyone though, there's nothing to be worried about.
One by one the girls will come in and introduce themselves. They’ll be wearing something sexy and will ask whether you have any questions.
Ok, I’ll break from the facts at this point to give an opinion… You may think you’re a big shot having women paraded in one at a time for your choice, but I reckon they’re judging you as much as you’re judging them. “Does this guy have money for extras?” / “Do I really want to fuck this guy with no teeth who smells like he hasn’t showered in a week?” / “I’ve just done two bookings in a row, I need a break” / “The rent’s due this week and I need the cash” / “I’ve already cleared $600 today, I don’t really need this” etc.
NB: Dame Pussington and Miss Buttons would like to put forward the theory that AP is in fact psychic, since this is literally exactly what’s on most worker’s minds.
The girls will ask whether you have any questions. This is the time to ask what’s included in the standard booking fee vs what’s extra. What are extras for some girls will be inclusions for others and vice versa. In general (but not always) the hotter the girl the less is included in standard, and potentially the more extras will cost. I mean if you were the sex worker and you could charge more than the next girl because you’re smoking hot, wouldn’t you?
Some girls will swing in, show little interest and then leave. Like, literally “Hi, I’m Tiffany” without stepping inside the intro room. Others will sit down to have a chat. Once the girls have all come through the manager reappears and asks which girl you’d like. You pay the manager the correct rate.
Where possible, try and remember either the name of the girl you’d like to see or some defining characteristic about her that will help the manager figure out exactly who you wanted to book with. A lot of clients will say “Number 3” but most of the time management and workers can’t remember what order people introduced themselves.
Also, a word to the wise; if you’re not interested in a worker in the intro room, be polite about it. Workers have a strong sense of community and will often talk about clients after an intro, so if you’re rude to a girl you don’t want to see then you better believe you’re going to get talked about, and that isn’t going to work in your favour. Because solidarity yo.
THE INSPECTION & SHOWER
After you’ve paid, your service provider will come back and escort you to a booking room. Depending on the brothel this might be a room with just a shower and bed, or it might also have a spa bath, massage table, theme (African, Roman, etc.). The walk to the bedroom is a good time to engage in a little small talk and build a bit of rapport.
Once you reach the room you confirm the extras you want, and pay the girl in cash on the spot (although at some parlours, this is done through the front desk).
Rubber glove time! This is the point in the evening when your service provider will sexily check your junk for signs of an STI. In fact, if this doesn’t happen then I suggest you GTFO because if they didn’t inspect you then they didn’t inspect the other 100 guys with Herpes, Gonorrhoea etc.
There might not be rubber gloves, but there will be a powerful light. The worker will ask you to pull your pants all the way down, lift your penis so they can look underneath, pull back your foreskin, and lift your balls to check your undercarriage and inner thighs.
If you show signs of infection then it’s a no go. Keep in mind that anything that looks like an infection will be enough for a worker to cancel the booking, since they can’t afford to take risks. So if you have any eczma, ingrown hairs, or anything else suspicious looking, it’s probably better to wait until it clears up before you go to a brothel.
After the inspection you’ll be asked to have a shower to freshen up.
The better places will have toothpaste, mouthwash and deodorant available for you to use after your shower. In most parlours the booking time will start once your worker comes back after your shower.
Some workers will put on music. It’s not just to set the mood – they know how long the playlist goes for and will use it to keep track of the time.
Sometimes the sex worker will offer a massage at the start. I’m guessing this has 2 purposes: Firstly to break the ice between you and her and secondly, to further wind down the clock. Getting started with the sex can be weird. I mean really, both of you are about to have sex with someone you just met. Anyway – the better sex workers will find a way to make this less awkward.
How is the sex? Well, like most things in life, there’s good and there’s bad.
Obviously sex with a professional is never going to match the high of making love with someone you have a real connection with. And it’s not even like a a one night stand, where you’ve both played the game all night and are now down for some hard core, passionate fucking.
At the end of the day you are having sex with someone who may have already had it several times today / dozens of times this week and despite their efforts, might not seem to be into it. However, like most customer service experiences, a good worker won’t let on how busy or quiet it’s been and will make the experience just about you.
Some girls will try to make you cum as fast as possible (they know how to). Remember – many places only allow one shot per session. If you were the sex worker would you prefer having sex for 30 mins or would you make the guy cum in 15 mins then take the next 15 having a shower and giving a massage? Not all girls do this. Like most things that happen in a brothel, a lot is dependent on the sex worker and/or how she feels about the client (another reason to not be a douche).
Generally workers will try to pad the time in a booking with things that aren’t penis-in-vagina sex, whether that’s massage, oral, talking, cuddling, or other extras. This is mainly to reduce the amount of stress that their vagina is under, especially if the client has a larger penis (yup, the smaller your dick the more appreciated you’ll be in this industry).
Paying for sex means getting to have sex with women hotter &/or just plain different than you realistically would ever have been able to outside of this arrangement. Hot young surfer chick? Hard rocking lady with tatts? MILF? Slender? Thick? Whatever you’re into or want to try, you have the opportunity to partake, depending on availability.
You’re paying a professional, which means you’re usually seeing someone who is experienced and can help with any issues you want to overcome, can teach you skills that you want to develop (e.g. how to be better at fingering, cunninglingus, etc), and will be willing to try a bunch of stuff you’ve never done before.
Some girls will start faking an orgasm when it gets close to time, in order to help make you cum. In fact I would say that the best sex workers are the ones who can fake it the best. Personally it’s unfulfilling to have sex with someone who doesn’t give feedback, even if it’s fake.
After you finish they’ll ask whether you want a shower to clean up. If there’s time left they may give you massage until time’s up. Keep in mind, there’s a good chance their massage will be shithouse, they’re a sex worker not a professional masseuse after all.
There’s usually a timer of some sort – either their phone alarm, or a single phone ring, or an intercom to let you know when the session is over. Some places don’t use a timer, but rely on the workers to keep track of their own time. Regardless, always be respectful when a worker says the booking is over, but consider requesting an extension if you want to spend longer with her.
EXERCISE YOUR PRIVILEGE
If you want to, or currently do see sex workers, maybe consider getting involved in advocating for their rights. There are discussions in Victoria at the moment about moving to the “Nordic Model” of legislation, which not only makes sex work incredibly unsafe, but also makes seeing a sex worker a crime. So if you don’t want that to happen, and if you think that adults should be able to make decisions about what they do with their bodies for work, then jump over to Vixen Collective’s campaign against the Nordic Model. Because there’s nothing wrong with visiting a sex worker, and there’s nothing wrong with being one.
That is all.
You may go now.