Your complete guide to lubricant
People...I have some shocking news for you. I hate to be the one to deliver it, and I’m going to ask that you take a seat, so you can fully appreciate the gravity of what I’m about to say.
Porn lied to you.
I know. This truly is the ultimate betrayal. We all have years of therapy ahead of us.
But now that the initial shock has worn off, I suspect your next question is, “But what specifically did porn lie about? Surely it has been and remains an accurate documentarian of the human sexual condition!”
Well dear readers, here’s the thing…Porn would have you believe that spit is an adequate substitute for lube.
It’s very easy to fall into the trap of thinking that using lube indicates some kind of shortcoming on yours or your partner's behalf. Many people seem to be under the impression that using lubricant means that you're suffering from some kind of short-comings as a lover.
THIS IS A LIE!
Lube should be looked at in much the same way as candlelight and Phil Collins. Sure, sometimes you can get hot and heavy without them, but do you really want to? Of course not! Lube is something that makes a good thing even better!
Let’s start with the basics.
What is lube for?
Always use lube. That’s as basic as I can make it.
Lube will prevent a lot of things going wrong, like for example minor abrasions and tears in the skin, which in turn can cause infections and general nastiness. It can help to prevent injury, illness and discomfort.
Of course you don’t have to use lube. Maybe you’re thinking to yourself, “Yeah, I’ve tried lube before. It wasn’t that great.”
Yeah, well maybe you were using the wrong kind of lube…did you ever think of that? Did you punk? No. I didn’t think so.
Like so many things, the wrong kind of lube can be enough to put you off for life. The wrong lubricant will make you feel sticky, uncomfortable and in some cases cause an allergic reaction. The right lube will leave you wondering how the hell you ever fucked without it.
The biggest thing to consider when selecting the correct lubricant is, what are you going to be using it for?
Are you going to be having a wank?
Will you be having penetrative sex with a partner and if so which hole will you be plumbing the depths of, and will you be wearing a condom?
Perhaps you’re going to be giving head, or maybe you’re using a toy?
For each of these situations, there’s a right and a wrong lube to be using. I know, you have SO much to learn!
Lube and Sex
If you’re having penis-in-vagina sex then you’ve got a couple of options in terms of lube. Now yes, I know the human vagina has ways of lubricating itself. It’s pretty amazing really.
But sometimes vaginas don’t produce enough lubrication, or they don’t produce it fast enough for how quickly you’d both like to get down to business, or any one of a number of different factors! Lube takes the pressure off and allows everyone to go at their own pace, without running the risk of injury.
A high quality silicone lubricant is a complete game changer when it comes to sex. There’s a few of them out there and though they’re not particularly cheap, they're so incredibly smooth and lovely that they’ll make you feel like your genitals are secreting silk…in a good way, not in some kind of freaky spider genitals way.
Lube and Safe Sex
If you're using protection (condoms, dental dams, femidoms, etc), applying a heap of lube to the genitals before you put the protection on will help to increase the amount of sensation happening inside the love glove.
Additionally, if you’re using condoms, lubricant will help to prevent the condom from tearing or breaking. But beware! Never use an oil based lubricant with any kind of latex protection as it will deteriorate the latex which can lead to micro-tears and possible infection or pregnancy.
Lube and Anal Sex
I shouldn't have to point out the importance of using lubricant for anal sex. If you're trying to stick anything in someone's south hole without a healthy dose of lube, I'm pretty sure you're violating the Geneva Conventions.
When embarking on an anal quest a good silicone lubricant will work well with a stubbornly non-lubricating orifice. Silicone, unlike water-based, won’t dry up or get washed away by sweat.
Remember with anal play to avoid anything with a numbing agent in it. A lot of people will recommend products that have benzocaine or other mild anaesthetics in them as these will prevent you from “feeling the pain”. The problem is, you shouldn’t be in any pain and if you are, that’s your butt’s way of telling you to “Stop for the love of god!”
Listen to your butt. It knows things.
Lube and Allergies
If you’re one of those delicate flowers who suffers from skin sensitivity, fear not. A high quality water-based lube will keep you wet and wonderful, without running the risk of a reaction.
Water-based lube can be used on toys, for masturbation and for vaginal and anal sex. It’s not always the best lube for each of those scenarios, but if you’re concerned about allergies or irritation then water based is a pretty safe bet.
There are many different lubricants out there for sensitive skin, including organic, glycerin-free, paraben-free, silicone-free, etc. So if you're not enjoying water-based, you still have options. Just remember if you're trying something new, always do a spot test first, somewhere like the inside of your elbow will give you a good idea of your reaction. Because no one wants to find out about an allergic reaction mid-coitus.
Lube and Oral Sex
Did you know that you can use lubricant when you’re giving or receiving head? I know! It’s outrageous!
Some brands manufacture flavoured lubricants that you can apply to your partner’s junk before you start slobbering all over it. The taste of the lube will actually stimulate saliva production and you’ll end up having a nice wet make-out session with your significant other’s sexy bits.
It’s also pretty damned handy if you’re not feeling quite as fresh as you’d like to, or if you or your partner are worried about your junk smelling like underpants. Instead you can both taste like mint, or vanilla or lickable wallpaper.
Just remember to avoid flavoured lubes that contain glucose, cos that’s a sure fire way to get yourself a yeast infection…which is a decidedly un-delicious flavour.
Where possible, ask store clerks if they have a tester bottle so you can try some before investing. Taste is a very subjective thing and the last thing you want is to be licking up something that you’ve decided tastes more like expired cough syrup than raspberry sorbet.
Lube and Sex Toys
For some toys you can use silicone lubricant, just like you would for sex. But nowadays, a lot of toys are made out of silicone or cyberskin, and silicone lube is not compatible with these. The silicone lube basically bonds with the material of the toy and instead of being all slippery and silky it becomes gummy and sticky. Not a consistency you want near your genitals!
If you’ve got a silicone or cyberskin toy, don’t use a silicone lube.
Sometimes it can be hard to tell what your toy is made out of though, so a good rule if you’re not sure, is to stick to a water-based lubricant. That way your toys are nice and slippery, and you’re not running the risk of ruining them.
And remember to always wash your toys after use. You don’t need to use a toy cleaner, just a simple hand wash and air dry will do the trick...because being a responsible toy owner is fun!
LUBE AND WANKING
Perhaps you’re one of those talented people who can masturbate without any assistance. To you I say “Well done” and offer some polite applause.
If you’re a penis owner then no doubt you’ve probably got this wanking bizzo pretty down pat. Good for you. But did you know that there’s lube designed specifically for jerking off? Sure there’s some that are specially made to work with Fleshlights or other similar masturbatory aids as well, but there’s also a lube that’s just made to work with your hands. You can even get them in different viscosities. So if you like a really thick lube to help spank your monkey then you and your monkey are in luck! The trick to finding the right consistency is to hold the bottle and tip it upside down, then watch the air bubble inside the bottle as it moves through the lube. The slower the air bubble moves, the thicker the lube. Science!
Lube and menopause
Fellow vag owners, there’s this thing that happens to us when we get old. And no I’m not talking about unwanted toe hair (what’s with that anyway). I’m talking about menopause. Menopause is one of those things that no one really likes to talk about, which is pretty fucking stupid when you consider that 50% of the population will go through it at some stage.
There are a LOT of things that can happen when a woman hits menopause...
But the one that I want to mention specifically is vaginal dryness. And don’t get me wrong, vaginal dryness can be caused by many factors and can happen to people well before menopause sets in; it’s just a particularly common symptom of menopause. Anyway here’s the cool thing, some lubricants will also act as a vaginal moisturiser. They’re specifically designed so that they’re not claggy or oily or sticky and you won’t feel like you constantly need to wipe off the excess. They’re quite literally a moisturiser, just like you’d use for your face, but designed for your pussy parts and safe to use during, after or before sex.
Lube for heating and cooling
To finish us off on our slippery slope down lube town, I’d like to discuss heating and cooling lubes. Cooling lubricants traditionally contain a form of menthol or sometimes peppermint. The upside of this is that when used vaginally, the coolness can make your muscles reflexively contract, which means you feel tighter and it can be easier to orgasm. The downside is that it doesn’t wear off immediately, so you may need to purchase your vagina some woollens to keep it warm until the lube dissipates.
Warming lubricants often contain Capsaicin, which comes from chilli plants and is the primary ingredient in pepper spray. These can give a pleasant warming sensation, but they can also have some pretty devastating effects.
Don’t assume you know how your body will react. Bodies are sneaky and take great delight in surprising you at inopportune moments. When trying lubricants, always try a VERY small test patch first.
When in doubt...
If you can't remember what lube to use follow these two simple rules;
Water for wanking (with toys)
Silicone for sex
We hope you enjoyed your journey to lubricated enlightenment and if you didn’t, please be assured that we don't offer refunds.
That is all.
You may go now.