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your Guide to gifting sex toys

 

People...you may or may not have heard, but Christmas is coming…hard. Because it’s been very naughty.

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Now you may be thinking that this year you’ll get away with giving the traditional socks and serving platters you normally buy your significant other.

To this I say, ‘Have you considered dildos’?

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Step 1. Know who you’re buying for

Sex toys are an awesome gift. Who doesn’t want the gift of orgasms? And if they don’t want orgasms, then they can still use a a dildo as a pleasant table ornament, right?

You want to buy them for your partner, for your parents, for your out-of-town cousins. Shower them all in silver bullet vibrators and silicone butt plugs!

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But at this point you have to stop and think about your gift recipient. You’re probably thinking, well my parents are giant sluts, so they already have all the sex toys they could want. You’re right; your parents are sluts, so let’s not enable their depravity any further. And your out-of-town cousins only bought you some shitty socks, so screw those guys, no orgasms for them.

So let’s narrow it down and say that the safest gifting strategy is to focus on buying for fuck buddies and partners. Congratulations on having both, by the way. You’re a champion.

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When buying a sex toy gift, the first thing to consider is the person receiving it. Just like buying them socks, you want to be sure you get the right pair. Are they a plain black sock person, or one of those exotic argyle print type posers?

Presumably you’re buying for someone you’ve actually had sex with before, so hopefully you’ll have a good idea of what they do and don’t enjoy in bed. This is going to form the foundation of your purchase.

Do they enjoy fingering, or a good fuck? Are they into blowjobs, or rim jobs? Have a think about what part of sex gets your fuck-friend off and then tailor your sex toy purchase to suit that need.

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Step 2. Don’t forget about boundaries

You may want to buy something for a partner that neither of you have ever tried; for instance bondage rope, a sexy Eeyore costume, nipple clamps, etc. Your enthusiasm knows no bounds!

But before you whip out the Mastercard, you need to consider the relationship you have with this person.

It’s very easy to view a gift as an obligation. Buying someone a sex toy as a gift can make them feel compelled to use it, even if they’re not super comfortable with the idea. For instance if you buy them a roll of bondage tape, but they’ve never really thought about doing bondage play before, you could be coercing them into a situation that they’re not 100% comfortable with.

Imagine if someone spent a heap of money buying you skydiving lessons, when you’re deathly afraid of heights. Not a super awesome move, right?

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But if you and your partner are super cool trying new things, or if it’s something you’ve discussed previously, then go for it!


Step 3. the products to avoid

When buying sex toys, remember that the price is normally indicative of the quality of materials being used. And if you’re going to ask someone to put something in, on, or around their genitals, you probably want it to be of a reasonable quality.

For this reason, I beg you, don’t buy “gag” gifts or novelty sex toys. You know the ones I mean; battery operated singing genitalia, knitted costumes for nipples and knobs, USB powered “horny” animals whose repetitive fucking could power a perpetual motion machine.

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These are products that are made with the lowest cost materials and absolutely no thought to the kind of damage they can do to your body. They might seem funny or cute, but they actually play into the idea that people who enjoy sex are the punchline - they don’t make you look like a clever gift giver, they make you look like you’ve just discovered your own genitals for the first time and can’t stop giggling as you poke at them. Don’t be that person.

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Make sure that whatever product you’re looking at buying doesn’t contain phthalates (carcinogenic materials). Most sales clerks will be able to tell you which products are safe, and if you’re buying online you can usually do a quick Google to find out.

Step 4. Do your research

Don’t be afraid to read some online reviews of potential purchases. A good review won’t just tell you if a toy is “good” or “bad”, it will also tell you who it would be well suited to. For instance a review of a vibrator will tell you whether it’s suited for clitoral stimulation or g-spot stimulation. Useful information for vagina owners!

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Step 5. leave nothing to chance

Once you’ve decided on the gift you want to buy, you may want to consider a few small accessory purchases. For instance, if you’re buying something that’s battery operated, make sure you buy batteries. Just like opening presents as a kid, there’s nothing more disappointing than having an exciting new toy and not being able to play with it! Alternatively, if it requires charging, it might be worth gently taking it out of the packaging and giving it a few hours of charge before wrapping it. That way if anyone wants to take it for a test drive straight away, they can.

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Remember to find out what kind of lubricant the toy is compatible with, and if you don’t have any, stock up. Most silicone toys can't be used with silicone lubricant, so grab a good quality water-based lube to have ready.

Step 6. Giving the gift

Once the day of gift giving arrives, remember that the impending orgasmer may not actually want to engage with it straight away. Don’t be disappointed and definitely don’t give them shit about it. Gift giving occasions such as birthdays and Christmas can be pretty hectic and stressful, so it’s completely fair to want to wait until the world is a bit more relaxed before getting busy with a new toy.

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You may also find that if you’ve bought for a first time toy owner, they may want to have a play with it on their own first. Even experienced masturbators will often prefer privacy with new toys due to the hit and miss nature of assisted wanking. So remember to respect your partner’s privacy if that’s what they’d prefer.

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So there you have it dear readers, your guide to giving good sex (toys) this festive season. The above information may seem daunting, but remember if you take the time to do it properly a good sex toy can be a thoughtful and romantically personal gift to give.

And let’s be honest, who doesn’t want to ring in the New Year with their o-face?

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That is all.

You may go now.