People...you may or may not have heard, but Christmas is coming. Hard. Because it’s been very naughty.
Now you may be thinking that this year you’ll get away with giving the traditional socks and serving platters you normally buy your significant other.
To this I say, ‘Have you considered dildos’?
Sex toys are an awesome gift. Who doesn’t want the gift of orgasms? And if they don’t want orgasms, then they can still use them as a decorative table setting.
Buy them for your partner, for your parents, for your out-of-town cousins. Make it rain silver bullet vibrators and silicone butt plugs this Christmas!
You’re probably thinking, well my parents are giant sluts, so they already have all the sex toys they could want. You’re right; your parents are sluts, so let’s not enable their depravity any further. And your out-of-town cousins only bought you some shitty socks, so screw those guys, no orgasms for them. Let’s narrow it down to buying sex toys for your fuck buddies and partners. Congratulations on having both, by the way. You’re a champion.
When buying a sex toy gift, the first thing to consider is the recipient. Just like buying them socks, you want to be sure you get the right pair. Are they a plain black sock person, or one of those exotic argyle print type posers?
Presumably you’re buying for someone you’ve actually had sex with before, so hopefully you’ll have a good idea of what they do and don’t enjoy in bed. Do they enjoy fingering or a good fuck? Are they into blowjobs or rimjobs? Have a think about what part of sex gets your fuck buddy off and then tailor your sex toy purchase to suit that need.
You may want to buy something for a partner that the two of you have never tried, for instance bondage rope, a costume, nipple clamps, etc. You should really consider the relationship that you have before making that kind of purchase. Some people may view this kind of gift as an obligation, particularly if it’s not a kink they’ve ever considered engaging in before. Imagine if someone spent a heap of money buying you skydiving lessons, when you’d recently realised you have a fear of heights. Could be kind of awkward, right?
But if you and your partner are super cool trying new things, or if it’s something you’ve discussed previously, then go for it!
When buying sex toys, remember that the price is normally indicative of the quality of materials being used. And if you’re going to ask someone to put something on their junk, you probably want it to be of a reasonable quality. For this reason, I beg you, don’t buy “gag” gifts or novelty sex toys. You know the ones I mean; battery operated singing genitalia, knitted costumes for nipples and knobs, USB powered “horny” animals whose repetitive fucking could power a perpetual motion machine.
These products are cheap, nasty and on the whole just a really awful indictment of a consumerist society. They’re not actually amusing, it just makes it look like you’ve discovered your own junk for the first time and can’t stop giggling as you poke at it. Don’t be that douche.
Once you’ve found a product of reasonable quality and price, make sure that it doesn’t contain phthalates (carcinogenic materials). Most sales clerks will be able to tell you and if you’re buying online, you’ll usually be able to do a quick Google of the product to find out. And don’t be afraid to read some online reviews. A good review won’t just tell you if the toy is “good” or “bad”, it will also tell you who it would be well suited to. For instance a review of a vibrator will tell you whether it’s suited for clitoral stimulation or g-spot stimulation. Useful information for vagina owners!
Now that you’ve decided on your product, you may want to consider a few small accessory purchases. For instance, if you’re buying something that’s battery operated, make sure you buy batteries. Just like opening presents as a kid, there’s nothing more disappointing than having an exciting new toy and not being able to play with it! Alternatively, if it requires charging, it might be worth gently taking it out of the packaging and giving it a few hours of charge before wrapping it. That way if anyone wants to take it for a test drive straight away, they can!
Remember to find out what kind of lubricant the toy is compatible with, and if you don’t have any, stock up. Most silicone toys can't be used with silicone lubricant, so grab a good quality water-based lube to have ready.
Once the day of gift giving arrives, remember that the impending orgasmer may not actually want to engage with it straight away. Don’t be disappointed and definitely don’t give them shit about it. Gift giving occasions such as birthdays and Christmas can be pretty hectic and stressful, so it’s completely fair to want to wait until the world is a bit more relaxed before getting busy with a new toy.
You may also find that if you’ve bought for a first time toy owner, they may want to have a play with it on their own first. Even experienced masturbators will often prefer privacy with new toys due to the hit and miss nature of assisted wanking. So remember to respect your partner’s privacy if that’s what they’d prefer.
So there you have it dear readers, your guide to giving good sex (toys) this Christmas. The above information may seem daunting, but remember if you take the time to do it properly a good sex toy can be a thoughtful and romantically personal gift to give.
And let’s be honest, who doesn’t want to ring in the New Year with their o-face?
That is all.
You may go now.