People...I have a couple of questions for you.
Firstly do you enjoy having ridiculously explosive orgasms?
Secondly have you ever had to kill a zombie?
Because regardless of your answers to these questions, I have something you’re going to want.
Meet the Zombie Killer.
Or if you want to recognise its official title, the Pipedream Metal Worx Curve…
I'm sure you'll agree, Zombie Killer is a way cooler name.
The Zombie Killer is a no-nonsense sex toy that doesn't discriminate based on gender; it's equally as delightful for a g-spot as it is for a prostate!
Now, full disclosure, this toy is “very similar” to (read: a probably rip off of) the Njoy Fun Wand.
However, it's significantly cheaper to purchase and as such Miss Smut Buttons owns one and not the other.
As you can see from the glossy polaroids, the Zombie Killer is definitely an intimidating utensil.
Don’t be afraid!
Yes, that's stainless steel you’re looking at there.
Here’s the thing about stainless steel; it can make you feel like you’re about to drop your shorts in front of a room full of medical interns...but this isn’t actually a bad thing. The reason it feels like that is because stainless steel is used a lot in hospitals. Why? Because it’s so easy to sterilise! And trust me, a toy that’s easy to clean and sterilise is definitely a toy you should feel good about shoving into your fun bits.
Many toys these days are still made from plastic or jelly. These materials are porous (this means they have microscopic holes on their surface). Any substance that’s porous is going to be prone to breeding bacteria. Of course you can, and should, keep your toys clean by washing them after every use, but porous toys are going to have a limited lifespan before they start to deteriorate.
Materials like steel, glass, aluminium and ceramic are fairly indestructible and aren’t likely to get tiny little nasties growing anywhere on them. This also makes them the perfect candidates for a zombie apocalypse, because you can just rinse the Rage Virus right off them after slaughtering the undead.
Now, you’ll notice there’s two distinct ends to the Zombie Killer.
Don’t be afraid!
The end with the rounded ball is designed for internal g-spot stimulation. The tapered end is designed for anal stimulation. Realistically you can use the thing however you damn well please, but I would recommend using the ends the right way around, because whoever designed this thing knew how to do more than just kill zombies.
Because the Zombie Killer is almost an S shape, it doesn't matter whether you're using it anally or vaginally, both sides are perfectly crafted to hit either your g-spot or your prostate.
Some people will be taken aback by how cold the Zombie Killer looks. This can take some getting used to, especially if you’re more accustomed to silicone or plastic toys, but to be honest the cold factor is barely an issue. I’ve been known to remove it after use and marvel aloud at how ridiculously warm it gets, followed by insisting that everyone in the vicinity touches it to verify that I am in fact just as hot on the inside as I am on the outside. Honestly, you really won’t notice the cold more than three seconds after you start using it.
The next stumbling block is often the solidity.
Don't be afraid!
There’s not exactly a great deal of “give” in solid steel. The best thing to do is to take things slowly. Buy the Zombie Killer dinner first, take it out for a few drinks and allow yourselves time to ease into it. Alternatively, encourage your partner to use it on you. Providing your partner has enough sense to start slow and not immediately launch into a drum solo on your g-spot or prostate with it.
Drum solos are something you build up to. Even Phil Collins knows that.
In terms of the undead, you’re going to want to perfect your technique before tackling any large zombie hordes. Try to use the tapered end for gouging eyes and nostrils, but the rounded end should be used for basic clubbing. And remember to always wash your Zombie Killer with soap and water after either killing reanimated corpses or masturbation. Cleanliness is still important during an apocalypse.
So there you have it, whether you're having a wank or staving off hordes of the undead, the Pipedream Metal Worx Curve is the toy for you. Great for anal or vaginal masturbation, perfect for flying solo or playing with partners...is there anything this toy can't do? Well aside from vibrate and grant wishes, no there's not. So go buy or rent one today.
That is all.
You may go now.
Correction: It has recently come to light that Pipedream, despite their packaging saying otherwise, actually use pot metal to make their toy, NOT stainless steel. This is likely the reason that they can offer the same toy as Njoy for a heavily discounted price. Pot metal is still completely body safe and won't have any negative health implications, but you will notice that after a while the finish on the toy will start to tarnish. This is purely a cosmetic problem and nothing to worry about. But if you are concerned, then I recommend springing for the Njoy version.