Review: D2 Laid Granite Dildo

Review: D2 Laid Granite Dildo

People...I’ve never tried marijuana. I’m a bit of a dork when it comes to drugs. So reviewing this dildo is as close as I’ve ever been to getting stoned.

The first thing you’ll notice about the D2 Granite Dildo is that it is, in fact, made out of rock. When you unbox it, there will be a moment where you'll feel like an archaeologist discovering some pre-historic wanking device and contemplating what this could mean about the heritage of humanity.

The D2 granite dildo is made by a company called Laid. They produce a small range of granite products, but this caught my eye because of its unique structure. The shape is similar to the Lelo Ella, but it seems as though they were worried about a patent infringement, because there are some whacky curves on the D2 that I can’t quite figure out the ergonomic purpose of. It does give an overall impression of an avant-garde pestle, designed to crush the dried herbs you’ve been keeping in your vagina (come on, we all do it).

The funny thing about the D2 is that when you pick it up, you expect the weight of it (it’s solid rock after all) but you’ll be surprised by the texture. It is SO silky smooth. This is obviously a bit of a necessity for a good sex toy, since it makes them easy to clean and prevents any kind of nasty bacteria from hiding in hidden cavities. But it’s legitimately silky soft.

However this silky smoothness comes at a cost. Once you start using it, you'll realise how utterly hydrophobic the D2 is. It legitimately repels moisture of any kind. So if you lube it up, or if you get excited enough, you'll notice that it’s nearly fucking impossible to maintain a grip on the thing. I’m not being hyperbolic here; as I tried to tighten my grip, it kept launching itself out of my fingers and up into my g-spot, which was both hilarious and eye-crossingly unexpected. When I tried to wash it afterwards, I nearly cracked my bathroom basin because it kept leaping out of my hands.

The D2 feels like a prehistoric tool used by early man to fuck dinosaurs, a Jurassic Dildo if you will. But this doesn’t mean it isn’t a great toy. The granite makes it a perfect candidate for temperature play, and means you don’t have to worry about bacteria or infections. The shape, while a little unusual, is still ergonomic in terms of targeting your g-spot. In short, it rocks (heh, geddit).

If the zombie killer is designed for the end of days, the Laid D2 Dildo is designed for the beginning of them. If you ever find yourself sent back in time, make sure you have this nifty bugger with you. Because not only will you be able to diddle yourself, but you’ll also be able to grind down herbs and berries, and club a baby velociraptor to death.

 

That is all.

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