People...I'm tired. It's true, even wanton harlots such as myself get worn out occasionally. So today, I'm going to rest on my laurels and leave you in the capable hands of Mr Fox. Enjoy!
Once again it falls to Mr Fox as the Smut Buttons resident penis owner, to boldly penetrate a new product in the name of science, society and web traffic. Today we are tackling something a little more tangible than the taboo of male sex toys. Today we will be dicking the AutoBlow 2.
I was pretty skeptical about the AutoBlow 2. It billed itself as
“THE CROWDFUNDED BLOWJOB ROBOT, EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT!”
I mean a product that promises “500 hours of blowjobs” sounds like a fuckload of hype.
But...what if it wasn’t hype? Someone has to get one, and even if someone I knew did get one, thanks to the rainbow of shame, no one is going to tell me about it. So really I had to get one, for like science and stuff.
If you have ever used or seen a Fleshlight the AutoBlow 2 is much bigger, it’s 24cm tall and 10cm wide. It is a hard plastic cylinder with an adjustable speed controller (a little wheel on the base) and an inviting silicone mouth at the top.
The mouth is part of the sleeve that sits inside the plastic casing. When you buy your AutoBlow 2 you can select from sleeve A,B or C, which are designed based on penis girth. The big difference from most male sex toys is the AutoBlow2 is a bit of a beast and requires not batteries but an entire power-cord for it to run.
If, like me, you have a not quite right looking travel adapter converting the American plug into your Australian power board I can tell you, you'll have a moment with your dick all lubed up staring into the gaping maw of the machine and as you leap in cock first you'll whisper, “Don't dick zap me Brian Sloan.”
But don’t be alarmed, the website says:
“We have designed the product to be completely safe. It uses a UL listed AC to DC converter adapter which sends only 12v 1.2a DC to the product. That is not enough current to even feel! Plus, the electrical parts are completely isolated from the rest of the product. Rest easy, guys.”
The horrific marketing for the AutoBlow 2 really deserves a mention.
“Love getting blowjobs, but hate the hassle and expense of getting someone to give them to you” or my favourite “If you’re ready for a life that includes unlimited blowjobs” these taglines probably appeal to a certain demographic; probably people who have serious concerns over ethics in games journalism.
But enough foreplay! We're balls deep in the Autoblow 2. What’s going on?
Well, comparing the Autoblow 2 to a blow job is pretty fucking generous.
It does feel good, it will get you feeling good in all the right places a.k.a The Penis.
You can adjust the “stroking speed” which is good, giving you the option to start slower and build up to the full speed setting. Good luck concentrating on the stroke speed though, since this thing is noisy as hell. Like don’t use this if there is anyone else in your house that you would need an explanation for the large industrial factory that you just commissioned in your room.
So loud that when my partner wanted an update it was like this “HOW DOES IT FEEL?”
To date, the Autoblow 2 hasn't gotten me off. It can feel amazing, and it has left my cock feeling pleasantly tenderised, indulged in a kind of dystopian robotic future sexy time. And that’s kind of the problem right there.
The Autoblow 2 isn't a person, and I know that’s kind of the point of having a toy, but what it's promising to do I don't think can be done outside of a human mouth. The Autoblow 2 is just too rhythmic. I would personally prefer a Fleshlight or other manual masturbator because, like a car, auto might be convenient, but manual is sexier. There is more control and responsiveness in doing it yourself.
At the end of the day a blowjob is more than rhythmic motion in a soft tight space. It’s about your partner or two partners or whatever hot mess you've gotten yourself into. It’s about intimacy, chemistry, connection. Looking down your torso and making eye contact while you're inside someone’s mouth is fucking electric and despite the power-cord you won’t find that with the Auto Blow 2.
Comparing a motorised rubber sleeve with a real life blow job is probably an unfair comparison. However it's one the team behind the Autoblow 2 have brought on themselves by selling their product with lines like “Unlimited blowjobs on demand”.
So if you're looking for unlimited blowjobs, on demand, you'll have to revert back to what we were all doing before the invention of The Autoblow 2; wishful thinking.
If you ever find a source of unlimited blowjobs, on demand, let me know. Until then...