Welcome Back People!
I was worried you’d never return. Silly me. How could you not want further guidance about the intricacies of getting your junk slippery?! Well, let’s jump right in then…
You may have noticed that we haven’t yet discussed the inclusion of toys. And we all know that toys make playtime fun!
Well here’s where it gets tricky. For some toys you can use silicone lubricant, just like you would for sex. But nowadays, a lot of toys are actually made out of silicone. The bad news is that since silicone is actually produced by using very fine particles of sand, so if you put silicone lube on a silicone toy those fine particles will will start to abrade each other, leading to your toy deteriorating.
So if you’ve got a silicone toy, don’t use a silicone lube.
Sometimes it can be hard to tell what your toy is made out of though, so a good rule if you’re not sure, is to stick to a water-based lubricant. That way your toys are nice and slippery, but you’re not running the risk of ruining them.
And remember to always wash your toys after use. You don’t need to use a toy cleaner, just a simple hand wash and air dry will do the trick...because being a responsible toy owner is fun!
Perhaps you’re one of those talented people who can masturbate without any assistance. To you I say “Well done” and offer some polite applause.
If you’re a penis owner then no doubt you’ve probably got this wanking bizzo pretty down pat. Good for you. But did you know that there’s lube designed specifically for jerking off? Sure there’s some that are specially made to work with Fleshlights or other similar masturbatory aids as well, but there’s also a lube that’s just made to work with your hands. You can even get them in different viscosities. So if you like a really thick lube to help spank your monkey then you and your monkey are in luck! The trick to finding the right consistency is to hold the bottle and tip it upside down, then watch the air bubble inside the bottle as it moves through the lube. The slower the air bubble moves, the thicker the lube. Science!
Fellow vag owners, there’s this thing that happens to us when we get old. And no I’m not talking about unwanted toe hair (what’s with that anyway). I’m talking about menopause. Menopause is one of those things that no one really likes to talk about, which is pretty fucking stupid when you consider that 50% of the population will go through it at some stage.
There are a LOT of things that can happen when a woman hits menopause...
But the one that I want to mention specifically is vaginal dryness. And don’t get me wrong, vaginal dryness can be caused by many factors and can happen to people well before menopause sets in; it’s just a particularly common symptom of menopause. Anyway here’s the cool thing, some lubricants will also act as a vaginal moisturiser. They’re specifically designed so that they’re not claggy or oily or sticky and you won’t feel like you constantly need to wipe off the excess. They’re quite literally a moisturiser, just like you’d use for your face, but designed for your pussy parts and safe to use during, after or before sex.
To finish us off on our slippery slope down lube town, I’d like to discuss heating and cooling lubes. Cooling lubricants traditionally contain a form of menthol or sometimes peppermint. The upside of this is that when used vaginally, the coolness can make your muscles reflexively contract, which means you feel tighter and it can be easier to orgasm. The downside is that it doesn’t wear off immediately, so you may need to knit your vagina a scarf to keep it warm until the lube dissipates.
Warming lubricants often contain Capsaicin, which comes from chilli plants and is the primary ingredient in pepper spray. These can give a pleasant warming sensation, but they can also have some pretty devastating effects. To illustrate this, let me tell you a story.
In another time, I used to work as a brothel manager. I loved this job and got to work with a lot of fantastic women. One of the Service Providers (let’s call her Montana) had a regular client whose company she enjoyed about once a week. One day Montana’s client came in and said that he wanted have an anal session with her. There was nothing too unusual about this as they had done anal before. The client had brought in his own lube that he wanted to try with her. Again, nothing too unusual, clients are welcome to bring in their own toys, condoms and lube as long as the Service Provider inspects them before hand and agrees to use them.
Montana had a quick look at the bottle and told him to go ahead. What she failed to realise was that it was actually a warming lubricant, which the client then applied liberally to both his penis and Montana’s otherwise un-lubricating orifice. For about ten seconds they had a wonderful time. Then the cramping started. Shortly followed by explosive diarrhoea that trailed Montana down the hallway and into the bathroom. Then came three hours of quiet, embarrassed, sobbing punctuated by further loud expulsions.
Eventually Montana was able to leave the bathroom long enough to wrap herself in towels and take a trip to the emergency room. She was there diagnosed with first degree burns to the inside of her rectum. As the first person called in to clean up the damage, I can assure you that this was not a pleasant experience for anyone involved.
My point is this: When trying lubricants, always try a VERY small test patch first. Don’t assume you know how your body will react. Bodies are sneaky and take great delight in surprising you at inopportune moments. And, whenever you’re in doubt follow these two simple rules;
Water for wanking (with toys)
Silicone for sex
This concludes Part Two of Miss Smut Buttons' Guide To Lube. We hope you enjoyed your journey to lubricated enlightenment and if you didn’t, please be assured that we don't offer refunds.
That is all.
You may go now.