People...I have some shocking news for you. I hate to be the one to deliver it, and I’m going to ask that you take a seat, so you can fully appreciate the gravity of what I’m about to say.
Porn lied to you.
Yes, I know. This is truly the ultimate betrayal. Clearly we all have years of therapy ahead of us.
But now that the initial shock has worn off, I suspect your next question is, “But Miss Smut Buttons…what specifically did porn lie about? Surely it has been and remains an accurate documentarian of the human sexual condition!”
Well dear readers, here’s the thing…Porn would have you believe that spit is an adequate substitute for lube.
It’s very easy to fall into the trap of thinking that using lube indicates some kind of shortcoming on yours or your partner's behalf.
Lube should be looked at in much the same way as candlelight and Phil Collins. Sure, sometimes you can get hot and heavy without them, but do you really want to? Of course not! Lube should be seen as something that makes a good thing even better!
Let’s start with the basics.
Always use lube. That’s as basic as I can make it.
Lube will prevent a lot of things going wrong, like for example minor tears and abrasions in the skin, which in turn can cause infections and general nastiness. It can help to prevent injury, illness and discomfort.
Of course you don’t have to use lube. Maybe you’re thinking to yourself,
“Yeah, I’ve tried lube before. It wasn’t that great.”
Yeah, well maybe you were using the wrong kind of lube…did you ever think of that? Did you punk? No. I didn’t think so.
Well like so many things, the wrong kind of lube can be enough to put you off for life. My personal pussy kryptonite is Wet Stuff. That shit is foul and should be avoided unless you have an intimate vendetta against your genitals that requires you to punish them with some kind of engine oil run off every time you copulate.
The biggest thing to consider when selecting the correct lubricant is, what are you going to be using it for? Are you going to be having a wank? Will you be having penetrative sex with a partner and if so which hole will you be plumbing the depths of, and will you be wearing a condom? Perhaps you’re going to be giving head, or maybe you’re using a toy? For each of these situations, there’s a right and a wrong lube to be using. I know, you have SO much to learn!
If you’re having traditional, heterosexual intercourse (which here means that a cis-gendered male is putting his penis into the vagina of a cis-gendered female), then you’ve got a couple of options in terms of lube. Now yes, I know the human vagina has ways of lubricating itself. It’s pretty amazing really.
But sometimes vaginas don’t produce enough lubrication, or they don’t produce it fast enough for how quickly you’d both like to proceed, or any one of a number of different factors! Lube takes the pressure off and allows everyone to go at their own pace, without running the risk of injury.
If you're using protection (condoms, dental dams, femdoms, etc), applying a heap of lube to the genitals before you put the protection on will help to increase the amount of sensation happening inside the love glove. Additionally, if you’re using condoms, lubricant will help to prevent the condom from tearing or breaking. But beware! Never use an oil based lubricant with any kind of latex protection as it will deteriorate the latex which can lead to micro-tears and possible infection or pregancy.
So regardless of whether you’re using protection or not, I would recommend a high quality silicone lubricant. There’s a few of them out there and though they’re not particularly cheap, they are so incredibly smooth and lovely that they’ll make you feel like your genitals are secreting silk…in a good way, not in some kind of Franz Kafka way.
Anal sex can be treated similarly. A good silicone lubricant will work well with a stubbornly non-lubricating orifice. Silicone, unlike water-based, won’t dry up or get washed away by sweat. Remember with anal play to avoid anything with a numbing agent in it. A lot of people will recommend products that have benzocaine or other mild anesthetics in them as these will prevent you from “feeling the pain”. The problem is, you shouldn’t be in any pain and if you are, that’s your butt’s way of telling you to “Stop for the love of god!” Listen to your butt. It knows things.
If you’re one of those delicate flowers who suffers from skin sensitivity, fear not. A high quality water-based lube will keep you wet and wonderful, without running the risk of a reaction. Water-based lube can be used on toys, for masturbation and for vaginal and anal sex. It’s not always the best lube for each of those scenarios, but if you’re concerned about allergies or irritation then water based is a pretty safe bet. There are many different lubricants out there for sensitive skin, including organic, glycerin-free, paraben-free, silicone-free, etc. So if you're not enjoying water-based, you still have options. Just remember if you're trying something new, always do a spot test first, somewhere like the inside of your elbow will give you a good idea of your reaction. Because no one wants to find out about an allergic reaction mid-coitus.
Did you know that you can use lubricant when you’re giving or receiving head? I know! It’s outrageous! Some brands manufacture flavoured lubricants that you can apply to your partner’s junk before you start slobbering all over it. The taste of the lube will actually stimulate saliva production and you’ll end up having a nice wet make-out session with your significant other’s sexy bits. It’s also pretty damned handy if you’re not feeling quite as fresh as you’d like to be, or if you or your partner are worried about your junk smelling like underpants. Instead you can both taste like mint, or vanilla or snozzberries. Just remember to avoid flavoured lubes that contain glucose, cos that’s a sure fire way to get yourself a yeast infection…which is a decidedly un-delicious flavour. Where possible, ask store clerks if they have a tester bottle so you can try some before investing. Taste is a very subjective thing and the last thing you want is to be licking up something that you’ve decided tastes more like expired cough syrup than raspberry sorbet.
Thus concludes Part One of Miss Smut Buttons' Guide To Lube. If there's something you wanted to know that wasn't covered in this article, well then you've stumbled upon my cunning ruse to get you to come back next week for Part Two! See how clever I am.
That is all.
You may go now.