People...who doesn’t like shoving things up their holes?! Okay fine, I’m sure there’s a lot of people. But all those people are wrong and I have nothing to say to them. To those of you who enjoy or think you might enjoy the feeling of vibrations inside you, feel free to peruse the guide below to better help you in your valiant quest to find the ideal internal vibrator!
Vagina owners, there’s something important I need to tell you. This isn’t going to apply to all of you and for those of you who don’t share this experience I am by no means intending to discredit your feelings. For most vaginas, stimulation solely from an internal vibrator will not be enough to make you orgasm. Most vaginas require additional clitoral stimulation or g-spot stimulation to achieve orgasm. This means any straight up and down buzzing vibrator isn’t going to be enough to get you over the line. I’m telling you this because I don’t want your first purchase to be one that leads to disappointment. Keep in mind there are exceptions, some vaginas respond very positively to a plain old straight vibrator, but statistically speaking they are the exception. The predominance of phallic vibrators actually stems from porn and from the idea that most porn viewers want to watch women fuck themselves with pretend dicks, not some fancy whizz-bang toy that might actually get them off. Internal vibrators can be great for anal play though, provided you have a flared base or safety stopper at the end of the toy so it can’t disappear up inside you. You don't want that.
When it comes to internal vibes, there’s not exactly a comprehensive classification system. There’s pretty much two design variations, the straightforward internal vibrator which is more or less the proportions and dimensions of a very enthusiastic dick, and then there’s the *shudder* rabbit. Let’s deal with that monstrosity first.
The Rabbit was made famous by Sex and the City. That show is the sole reason many sex toy manufacturers are still in business today. Despite the episode going to air in 1998, it still informs the purchasing decisions of most vagina owners. Don’t get me wrong, I think that anything that encourages people to explore their sexuality and their pleasure is a great thing! But to be honest, I don’t approve of the rabbit design, for a number of reasons. As I’ve said before, if you own a rabbit and it makes you happy, then bless you and I wish you both well in this world. But most of the time the rabbit is selling promises that it just can’t keep.
Like so many things, the idea is great. You have an internal shaft to simulate a good dicking, and then you have an external clitoral stim. There’s my first problem. Most of the clit stims attached to these things aren’t flexible, so depending on your anatomy it can render the toy completely useless. For instance people without the mixed blessing of owning a vag, might still want to enjoy an internal stimulant with an external vibration say across their perineum...well they can’t, at least not with most rabbits. Even for those of us with a vag this design can be an inconvenience. I like my toys to be multipurpose; if I can’t use it in multiple holes at will, then what’s the damn point!
My other issue with the rabbit is that when you’re stimulating your clit, you tend to want to find one perfect spot and stay there, with minimal moving around. When you’re after a penetrative sensation, you’re generally looking for a bit of movement to go with it. Combine these two with the rabbit and it becomes impossible. You can’t pound away at your vag and keep the clit stim in the same place. This means you’re either stuck plugging up your vag-hole like it’s a bathroom sink while you get clitoral satisfaction, or you’re slamming it up there like nobodies business while your clit feels like the last ball in a Newton’s cradle. Alternatively there are other vagina owners who find clitoral sensations too intense and so prefer to circle around their clit with a stimulator. This again is impossible due to the rigidity of the clitoral attachment. The rabbit is a great concept, because the idea of having clitoral stimulation and internal penetration at the same time is statistically more likely to make vagina owners orgasm, but because of the design it renders one or both purposes useless. Don’t get me wrong, there are a few rabbit vibrators that I’m keen to give the benefit of the doubt too, particularly the Sky Alto by Ave (pictured above right), which looks like set dressing from a Samurai Jack episode. There’s also the Soraya and the Ina 2 from Lelo. But it’s not hard to see why these are a superior design when you compare them to the iVibe Rabbit (pictured top), the original rabbit design.
JELLY & RUBBER
As with every other iteration of this guide, prepare yourself for the usual jelly smackdown.
For a lot of people who have plumbed the depths of their personal caves, their first vibrator was a moderately anatomically correct jelly penis with a vibrator stuck inside it. Sadly, a lot of users might have given up on toys after this maiden voyage and it’s not hard to blame them. These toys have a lot in common with your creepy old Uncle Bill - they’re shittily put together, smell terrible, sweat profusely, are toxic as hell and are woefully inadequate at inducing any kind of orgasm (and should be kept away from underage children). Because they’re made from the lowest quality materials, the vibrator inside is never really strong enough to get the vibrations out past the jelly or rubber mould. This means once it’s inside you you’re going to feel only the barest of tinglings about your nethers. Additionally the shape of them isn’t exactly conducive to hitting a g-spot. They can be an acceptable anal play toy, but to be honest there’s better stuff out there that won’t give you ass cancer.
CERAMIC & ALUMINIUM
There’s a range of toys at the moment that are similar to the old rubber and jelly vibrators, but are instead encased in ceramic or aluminium. Obviously these new materials make them a MUCH safer option than the carcinogenic alternatives, but there is the drawback of a loss of flexibility. As terrible as a jelly vibe is, it does have a similar amount of give to it as a real penis. Not everyone cares about realism though, and if you’re okay with something a bit firmer that you can also heat up or cool down for temperature play, then a ceramic or aluminium internal vibe might be a good quality first vibrator. Keep in mind though because of the thickness of the casing you'll still find the vibration levels to be quite minimal. Also, if you're planning on using it anally, please buy yourself a safety stopper. Evolved Novelties sell a three pack of silicone discs you can slide onto the end of any standard vibrator to convert it into an anal safe toy. Please do yourself and the potential emergency room staff who have to retrieve your missing toy a favour - don't lose a vibrator up your ass.
Internal vibrators designed to stimulate the prostate, or p-spot, are usually a pretty good starting place if you’re looking into anal play. Don’t be put off by the word prostate though, you don’t have to have one to enjoy these toys. There’s a huge variety of designs and shapes that are all marketed as p-spot specialisers, but to be honest the only thing you should really be looking for is a good quality material and a flared base. For instance, the Lelo Billy (pictured above) looks exactly like normal internal vibrator, but the flared base makes it anal safe. Fun Factory’s Duke takes it a little further by designing something that also stimulates your perineum at the same time. And then there’s the folks at Nexus who have a whole range of amazing, high quality prostate massagers designed specially for anal pleasure. Because anuses need love too!
So Fun Factory have concocted something amazing, something of a game changer really. We all know what a vibrator feels like, right? Of course we do. It vibrates. Well Fun Factory came up with the Stronic, which in their words “pulses” instead of vibrates. I personally think a more accurate description is “thrusts”. If you hold it in your hand, you can feel it thrusting, as though it is innately seeking some strange ephemeral hole that human eyes can not behold. I haven't had the pleasure of trying one of these designs yet, and I've heard mixed reviews from the people who have, but I'm always a fan of innovation. If you’re interested in anal play, you’ll want the Zwei, and if you’re into vaginal thrusting, there’s the the Eins or if you like one that works for both there’s the Drei (pictured above). Also if you want to be hilariously bewildered, take two minutes to watch their promo video, which doesn't feature anywhere near as much crotch thrusting as I would have hoped.
There are a few notable mentions in the realm of internal vibes that don’t really fit into any other category.
G-vibe (pictured left). Although it looks like just another take on the rabbit design, you can actually use it completely internally. The fronds (I like calling them fronds, it makes me feel like I’m fucking a fern), can be pinched together for insertion and then will fold out once they’re inside, stimulating both the back and front of your orifice of choice. Also, on a side note, they smell like candy. Not just any candy though, candy from your childhood. It's weird. I don't know if it's a marketing gimic or just some weird psychological ploy they're pulling, but they do smell great.
Another contender for the rabbit alternative throne is the Rock Chick designed Rocks Off Vibrator (pictured right). Although I’ve not had the pleasure of trying one myself, many vagina owners swear by its orgasmic inducing properties. The shape is similar to the We-Vibe, but it's a lot sturdier and on a bigger scale.
And then there’s The Cone (pictured below). Oh Cone. One day, I will buy you and I will try you, but until then I’m going to continue to mock what I don’t understand. The cone, so the legends say, can be used internally or externally for clitoral stimulation. According to the tales it is also compatible for vaginal or anal use. I wouldn’t know. But one day I will. Until then, if you have used The Cone and lived to tell the tale, please get in touch!
This is a far from comprehensive list of all the different kinds of internal vibrators out there, but it should give you a bit of an idea about what you might want to purchase. Just remember to always wash your toys when you’re done with them. So go, frolic dear readers, fuck yourselves and others with your wonderfully informed choices of vibrators!
That is all.
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