Miss Smut Button's Guide to Male Masturbators

People...this article title is wrong. You and I both know that not all penis owners are men, and not all men own penises. Sadly this is a fact that the sex toy industry at large hasn’t quite cottoned on to, and so if you find yourself desiring a penis stimulating sex toy, you will probably need to enquire about a “male masturbator”. But for what it’s worth, that’s the last time I’ll be referring to them as such in this article. 

Before we begin, it’s important to remember that there is absolutely nothing wrong with buying a masturbation aid. We've spoken before about why Masturbation Matters and Mr Fox has spoken eloquently about the double standard surrounding “women’s sex toys” vs “men’s sex toys”; how one is more or less celebrated and the other is considered kind of pathetic. Just remember that as long as you’re not hurting anyone or coercing anyone into doing something they don’t want to do, then no one gets to make you feel bad about your sexual decisions.

If wanking was a car show, using your hand would be the Datsun Bluebird that you inherited from your older sibling. You’ve driven it for several years because you know it gets you from A to B. There’s nothing wrong with it, so you don't feel like you have to replace it. But equally, wanting to drive a Ferrari isn’t problematic either. You’re still getting to your destination, it's just the trip is just going to be a lot more fun. So take a moment to remind yourself that there’s nothing wrong with buying a sex toy, you’re not sad or pathetic, any more so than the next person who buys a shiny new car.

Now, penises are tricksy things. Like little hobbitses hanging off the front of people’s crotches. Each one insists on being it’s own unique and special snowflake, with preferences for how it likes to be touched and talked to. For this reason, finding the right masturbator can be kind of like trying to throw the One Ring into Mount Doom - a fucking long journey.

Well I’m here to give the Eagle Option and ensure that you have all the information you need before making a purchase for your little crotch hobbit. The most difficult part of finding the right hole to throw your Precious into, is that if you’ve only ever used your hand or a willing orifice, then you won’t know which kind of toy is going to rock your socks.

There’s a few different kinds of penis masturbators, but essentially they all come down to the same thing; a hole to put a dick in. What really changes is the scale on which they do this and the texturing they use internally. Some masturbators are really big, while some are designed to be small and inconspicuous. Some try to be as realistic as possible, while others are focused more on being as stimulating and causing as much sensation as they can. So here’s a bit of a guide to get you started.

 

SMALL

Abstract Texture: There’s a lot of kind of shitty, rubber and jelly masturbators. They usually don’t last very long, but the good news is they’re super cheap. There are clear ones that let you watch your dick’s adventures inside the sleeve. There are ones that are smooth inside with no texture, that just kind of create a barrier between your dick and your hand. But ultimately there’s just a whole heap of variety and not a lot of quality products.

The only one I can really recommend, and you’ll see this name pop up a lot in this article, is the Tenga Egg. Tenga is a Japanese company that makes some pretty exceptional penis toys (and a few pretty average vagina ones). Their Eggs are small, elastomer sleeves that come in a wide variety of textures. You can get away with using them about half a dozen times (depending on how well you treat them) before the elastomer deteriorates and they tear. But they’re pretty affordable and a good starting place to see if you like the feel of a masturbator.

Realistic Texture: In the smaller sizes, there aren’t a whole lot of masturbators that try and replicate a human vagina. You’ll find that many of them will pay lip service (ha!) to the opening of the toy, with half-hearted attempts to make it look like you’re sticking your dick in a pussy or a mouth, or occasionally an asshole. In terms of likeness though, it’s about as close to reality as playing Duck Hunt was to actual duck hunting (see left).

 

 

 

 

 

 

MEDIUM

Abstract Texture: If you like the Tenga Egg, but want something a little more durable, or maybe a bit more accommodating in terms of size, it’s worth having a look at the Tenga 3D line. These are sleeves with 3D textures embedded in them that create some pretty interesting sensations. They’re easy to clean and maintain and will last you for around a year. If you’re not super into the Tenga line, you can try something like the Screaming O Taco, but no one else quite meets the same standard as Tenga in this size range. 

Vibrating Masturbators are generally only worth your effort if you go high end. The lower quality ones will pretty much just jiggle your balls around a little and give you mild friction burn. However if you invest in something like Fun Factory’s Cobra Libre you can enjoy a toy that will literally massage the head of your dick. Or if you’re after something a bit more affordable there’s the Hand Solo, by Rocks Off Toys.  

Realistic Texture: We turn to Tenga once again with their range of “cups”. The Tenga Cup is a series of masturbators designed to emulate specific sexual experiences. So there’s one that makes it feel like you’re getting head, one that feels like anal, one that feels like penis-in-vagina sex, and one that feels like a sloppy blowjob. Most of the Tenga Cups are disposable, so unless you wear a condom, you’re paying for a one-wank toy, although just recently they have released a couple of more durable designs.

There’s also the Pipedream Extreme Tight Grip. Because it’s made from Pipedream’s patented “Fanta Flesh”, it does feel provide a fairly unique sensation in terms of the material. The internal texture is probably not quite as nuanced or well designed as Tenga though.

The only other toy on the market that does anything similar is Shots Toys Easy Rider. Having not had much experience with their product, I can’t say whether it’s on the same level as Tenga or not, but the product design is similar.

 

LARGE

Abstract Texture: If you’re an experienced masturbator, or you’ve tried the other toys and have a pretty good idea of what you’re into then here are some toys that you can sink some real money into.

The Autoblow 2 we’ve spoken about before. It’s a motorised “blowjob machine” that doesn’t quite live up to its reputation. But as a cock massager, it’s pretty exceptional.

Tenga’s entry in this category is their Fliphole Air. Despite being a dickless wonder, I'm actually quite a fan of this toy. I love that the design makes it look like a set of Apple speakers. I love that it's absurdly easy to clean, like seriously, no other toy on the market lets you open it right up to clean it out properly. Also, because of the three pressure points on it, you can pretty much customise your experience completely and control how much or how little sensation you want to experience and where.

My other favourite masturbation brand is Fleshlight. They’re probably the most recognisable name on this list and have kind of become the equivalent of the “rabbit vibrator” for “male sex toys”. Aside from anything else, I like the company. I like that they make trans and queer friendly products and don’t resort to shitty marketing tactics that revolve around shame and bigoted slurs. I also fucking love their products. They are incredibly well made, last forever (if you look after them) and feel pretty amazing. You can basically build your own design, picking everything from the colour of the case, to the type of opening (vaginal, anal, oral, etc), to the stimulation style inside. Yes, they’re a bit of a financial investment, but if you’re into penis toys, they’re well worth it.

Realistic Texture: There’s really only one name here worth mentioning and that’s Fleshlight. They have a range of three super-realistic interiors; the Lotus, the Swallow and the Forbidden (vaginal, oral and anal respectively). Unlike almost every other toy on this list, these designs are made to be as close to the real thing as it’s possible to get. And from all reports, they get it pretty spot on.  

 

EXTRA LARGE

PDX fuck me silly.jpg

Realistic Texture: Pipedream Extreme manufactures a series of penis masturbators that are more or less disembodied fuck holes. Featuring limbless or headless, assholes and vaginas made out of “Fanta Flesh”, these toys are pretty damn big. The realism for these masturbators is less about the internal texture and more about the detail that’s gone into the material. It doesn’t feel like a real person, but it does a pretty good job. The thing to keep in mind with these toys is that they’re a pain in the ass to clean and store without them getting dusty or sweating and becoming smelly. They’re also fairly expensive, easily reaching a couple of hundred dollars for the smaller designs.

There’s also the rather famous PornHub Twerking Butt Masturbator. It’s built by Topco and features Cyberskin, a motor that twerks the butt around, an internal warming device and virtual reality goggles that let you see the twerker you’re fucking. Overall, it’s proof that despite the lack of hoverboards, we are in fact living in the future.

 

FUCKING HUGE

Realistic Texture: You may have heard of “Real Dolls” before, or this might be a new and exciting discovery for you. Originally they were the stuff of “crazy shit Japan has” BuzzFeed articles, but since appearing in movies like Lars and the Real Girl, Sons of Anarchy, and other media moments, they’ve become a lot more mainstream. The most famous manufacturer is RealDoll, but there’s also Fantasy Doll, My Silicone Love Doll, Real Love Doll and Private Island Beauties. All of whom manufacture insanely realistic, silicone women that you can have sex with. Or just talk to. I’m not judging.


So when considering your impending penile-pleasuring purchase, remember that for once, size matters. Sadly when it comes to masturbators, the bigger you go, the more you’ll be paying. This is why I’d recommend investing in a couple of relatively shitty, smaller masturbators first, to get an idea of what kind of sensations you enjoy first, before making the financial commitment to a more expensive toy.

And there you have it, Miss Smut Button’s patented Guide to Masturbators for Penises! Hopefully this has been informative and insightful for you and if it hasn’t, well you can always go back to using your hand I guess.


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