People...I’m a big fan of dicks. They come in all the different sizes, shapes and colours you could want, and sometimes they’re attached to a person you actually want to spend time with. I’m sure you’ll agree that dicks, like pussies, are pretty awesome. But the problem with dicks is, they aren’t always around. Or, if they are around, they may not be physically capable of the task you have in mind. Sometimes dicks get sleepy or spongy and soft, sometimes the person they’re attached to is just too goddamn busy to be sticking themselves inside you right now. That’s when you need a substitute dick! A dildo is a wonderful way of getting yourself off without the hassle of locating a willing and able penis.
So, as with Clitoral Vibes I'm going to help you navigate the overwhelming number of options that dildos present. Welcome, dear reader, to the Wonderful World of Dildos.
OPTION ONE: MATERIALS
When purchasing your substitute dick, the first thing you’re going to want to consider is what kind of material you’d like it to be made out of. And trust me when I say there are a lot of options out there. As usual there’s the materials you should avoid, which are the Rubber and Jelly toys. You’ve heard the patented Miss Smut Button's rant about how these materials are carcinogenic and will make your genitals fall off, however you may have also heard of a popular “dildo hack” going around as well. Many people will tell you that you can buy a cheap, potentially toxic dildo and simply put a condom on the toy to protect you from whatever is in the materials. The problem here is that condoms are made to keep out bacteria and sperm - not chemicals. Silicone (the best step up from rubber and jelly) is inert, which means it won't react with anything. Condoms aren't inert, they're active, so who knows what chemicals they'll react with! Don't get me wrong, using condoms on toys is actually a great idea for a number of reasons (cleaning, sharing, etc), but sadly it’s not enough to protect you from carcinogenic substances. I would still recommend doing it if you’re in a pinch, but don’t rely on it as a method of cancer prevention. If there’s one thing you don’t want to fuck around with, it’s probably cancer.
Some of you might be high rollers, willing to spend the extra cash to have something you don't need to wear a hazmat suit to use. For you my fancy friends there are a number of fine materials to select from.
Silicone is awesome, and it’s great if you’re after a more realistic sensation for your playtime. It’s easy to clean and is the most common, safe substance to find toys made out of. Just remember to make sure that the toy is 100% silicone and not a blend. Proper silicone will be completely opaque, if that helps. Just remember that when using a silicone toy, you’ll need to avoid silicone lubricant.
Steel is becoming more popular, and I’ve spoken before about one of my favourite toys, a dildo that I’ve dubbed the Zombie Killer. The Zombie Killer (AKA the Metalworx Curve) is part of a metal range made by Pipedream. The toys I’ve had from this range have had a habit of tarnishing and starting to look a bit mottled and rubbish after a while, but their materials are listed as non-porous so they should still be safe for play. I have contacted Pipdream directly to ask about their safety and materials, so watch this space.
If you want something super fancy, you can go for stainless steel toys. I recommend the Njoy collection. They will be pricier than many other products, but you’re getting an incredibly high quality toy that will last longer than any zombies you run into.
Glass has many of the same benefits of stainless steel, in that its great for temperature play, where you can warm or cool the toy (usually using water). Like steel, glass is stupidly easy to clean and comes in a wide variety of shapes and sizes.
Unlike steel, glass is normally a lot more affordable and you can buy glass dildos from Etsy that are so pretty you could gift them to your grandma for her mantelpiece.
Ceramic is another medium that’s great for temperature play, with a few of them actually featuring a hollow interior that you can fill with hot or cold water. Etsy is once again another source of some fantastic examples of this medium, offering them in every kind of shape and colour you can imagine, including dildos shaped like pistols, some emblazoned with the faces of political figures and even a few that look suspiciously like Batman. Historically speaking, our earliest sex toys were likely to have been ceramic dildos, so fuck a piece of history, or fuck Batman’s face, either way works. Ceramic toys are easy to clean and thanks to a variety of glazes, can come with different external textures.
Yup, wood. Believe it or not, there are some fucking awesome wooden dildos out there. Wooden dildos are coated in a body safe glossy finish, which means that you only need to apply a little bit of lube and it will cover the whole toy. They come in a variety of shapes and sizes and as long as you don't drop them and chip their veneer, they're 100% body safe and waterproof. You can even find people who will make a wood dildo to your exact specifications. So if you’ve ever wondered what it would be like to fuck Pinocchio, then give one of these a whirl.
OPTION TWO: SHAPE
So once you know what kind of material you’d like, it’s time to consider the shape that it comes in. I've split shapes into two major categories, Realistic and Abstract.
Realistic dildos are sometimes modelled after porn stars, like James Deen. Sometimes they’re just semi-anatomically correct rubber or silicone likenesses of real penises. Some designs will come complete down to the balls, some will end at the base of the penis. You can get dildos that simulate both circumcised and uncircumcised penises. Some will have big throbby-looking veins all over them and some will even have tiny little merkins attached to them to provide the hyper-realism of pubes. Realistic dildos will come in every colour you can imagine, including colours that kind of undermine the realism somewhat (green, blue, purple, clear, etc).
But it doesn’t stop there. If you think realism is limited only to human penises, you’ve never been more wrong! Thanks to lovely people like the folks at Bad Dragon, you can fuck yourself with a litany of fantastical dildos. Diddle yourself with a dragon penis (or a Wyvern or a Wyrm if you’re into your mythology), you can do it doggy style with a dinosaur’s dick, or just go to town on a cockatrice, a gryphon or cthulu himself. You might be saying that these don’t seem particularly realistic, given that you know, we don’t know what any of these penises might have looked like. To this I say, Bad Dragon didn’t stop at fantasy, they also offer a range of dildos modelled after real life animals. I’m not going to list those because frankly I’m already concerned about being on a government censorship list and having the words “German Shepard Penis” on here probably wouldn’t help.
Abstract dildos are those that don’t look like any kind of penis you’ve ever imagined. Because they’re not designed to look like a penis. The Zombie Killer is an abstract dildo. There are abstract dildos that look like they could be works of art and there are some look like minimalist interpretations of what a penis could have looked like if the gods had preferred clean lines over wrinkly, spongey flesh with little bits of hair. Abstracts can be great if you’re a little intimidated by the eerie disembodiment of the more realistic dildos. They can also be great if you’re more interested in g-spot stimulation than just a general dicking. As we’ve covered before g-spot toys need a fairly strong curve, which you’re probably not going to find in a realistic design. Things like the Jopen Comet G or Njoy Pure Wand are great examples of a strong curve. If you’re thinking of using a dildo for prostate or anal stimulation then a more abstract design can be a good place to start if size is a bit of a deterrent. Many abstract dildos could almost double as butt plugs in terms of their scale. The difference is only that a butt plug will normally have a stopper and is more or less designed to go in and stay in, whereas a dildo particularly one that’s been specially designed for anal, will have a method of extraction so you can thrust in and out. When I say method of extraction, I don’t mean they’ve got a S.W.A.T team in the lobby and are waiting for my signal, I mean that the way it’s designed will leave part of it out of your body at all times so you can use this to push and pill it at will.
OPTION THREE: DESIGN
The design of a dildo is different to its shape. The design dictates what you can do with it. For instance:
Strap On dildos are designed to work with a harness. Different harnesses require different variations on design. Some, like the vac-u-lock range will require the dildo to have a hollow base with little ridges inside. Other harnesses might require a flared circular base to fit inside a ring. Strap On dildos can be used on their own, without attaching them to a harness. They are almost exclusively made out of rubber or silicone though, so if you’re into some of the less mainstream materials, you might have a bit of a hunt on your hands.
STRAPLESS STRAP ONS
Strapless Strap Ons are a relatively recent innovation. Most famously seen in The Feeldoe, and now available as a knock off from every low end manufacturer around, the strapless strap on can be a great toy for a relationship with two vaginas, or one vagina and a penis owner who likes being pegged. Basically it’s designed so that a much smaller dildo sits inside a vagina and is held in place through a combination of pelvic floor muscles and closed thighs. Then you can fuck your partner with the larger dildo end. Your mileage may vary on how well it stays in place, since most reviews point out that when you’re excited these can have a tendency to just slip out. I am the proud owner of The Share (pictured), made by Fun Factory and I can only say that I’ve personally never had any issues with it. But every vagina is different, so proceed with caution.
Double Ended dildos, as you are aware, are something I’ve become quite a fan of recently. Unfortunately the market is plagued by double enders made from shitty materials, so you may have to spend a bit more than you thought to get a good quality one. But they are worth the money if you’re in a relationship where more than one person likes to be on the receiving end of dick.
Handles are not all that common but they do exist. Usually attached to the end of the larger dildos on the market, they can seem like some sort of demented pirate sabre (or dildo bat if you prefer). They can come in handy if you have a partner who likes to masturbate you, as the extra length means you can be in a variety of positions and your partner can still reach the dildo to fuck you with it. Also if your partner is particularly talented, it can be great to combine with them giving you oral sex. Basically it’s a dick with a grip. Fancy, right?
BONUS OPTION: FEATURES
The final thing to consider when purchasing the dildo of your dreams is if there’s any additional features you’d like. This is not a comprehensive list of features, since there's a lot of unique designs out there, but it should give you an idea of the kinds of things you could be enjoying.
Vibrating dildos are about as useful as our current Minister for Women, and have probably provided just as many orgasms. Zero. Zero orgasms because they’re both literally fucking useless. A dildo with a vibrator inside can’t bend, so it’s not going to hit your g-spot and there’s also normally a fairly thick layer of dildo covering the vibrator so you’re not going to feel much internally like you would with a proper vibrator. However! There are some dildos, like the strapless strap ons, where you can insert a small powerful bullet of your own choice, into the base of the dildo. This in turn can amp up the power a little, and particularly with two person toys, can provide a little more stimulation. In my opinion though, still mostly useless.
Ejaculating dildos are great if you have a cum fetish. You can fill them with fake ejaculate, which you can either make yourself or, you can use any number of purchasable fake ejaculate products. These are a bit of a kink/fetish item so can sometimes be a bit hard to track down, especially if you’re looking for quality. I’m yet to come across a high end one, but if I do be assured sure you’ll get to read all about it.
Electrostim dildos are a specific example in a range of electrostim products. Electrostim stands for electric stimulation and does exactly that. It provides a quick, low level electric shock to wherever you apply it. In the case of an electrostim dildo, that would mean inside you. This might sound extreme but the shock itself is normally no worse than those contraptions from late night TV ads that promise to zap your flab away while you sit on the couch eating Burger Rings. It’s a little stronger than a static shock. I’m not saying you should try it, but it’s important to know that this stuff exists, because you never know when you might want to zap your junk.
There’s probably many other features out there for dildos, but in the interest of not overwhelming you with choice we’ll leave it there for now.
So that’s your beginners guide to the wonderful world of dildos! Do you feel informed, enlightened and illuminated? No? Well too bad, we don’t offer refunds. But hopefully you’re feeling less intimidated by the smorgasbord of dick substitutes that abound out there and more able to make an informed decision when making your next penis-like purchase. So, go my pretties! Go fuck yourselves!
That is all.
You may go now.