Miss Smut Button's Guide to Clitoral Vibes

People...I love my clitoris. It’s dainty and deceptively well hidden, but it makes me happy more frequently than pizza. Clitorises as a whole are pretty fantastic and if you’re lucky enough to own one I hope you take the time to tell yours how much you love it.  

Much debate has been had over the purpose of the clitoris and to date it’s looking like the magnificent beast doesn’t exist for any other reason than to give us pleasure. Seriously think about that for a second. Name any other body part you can say that about; one orifice, organ or extremity that exists solely for pleasure. That is why I believe the human clitoris deserved the Order of Australia instead of Prince Phillip, but that’s neither here nor there.

For such a delightful little extrusion, the clitoris is certainly well catered for when it comes to sex toys. If you’re the proud owner of a clitoris, or in the market to buy someone else’s something special, then you’ll be pleased to know I’ve put together this guide to help you navigate the many offerings available for the little love button.

Most clitoral toys on the market fall into the very erotically titled “Clit Stim” category (short for Clitoral Stimulation). But don’t let the catchall name fool you, there’s a broad range of products that fall under this banner.

Let’s start with my personal favourite…

Neck Massagers and Body Wands

You may have heard of the Hitachi Magic Wand, since it’s one of the most famous vibrators that’s “totally not a vibrator” ever sold. There’s actually a whole range of “neck massagers” that were never designed to see anything above the navel. These vibrators are almost always made to be plugged in to a power point and as a result deliver incredibly intense vibrations. The beauty of them is that you can put them as close to or as far away from your clitoris as you’re comfortable with. If you’re like me and the only thing that’s going to get you off is a jackhammer going to town on your little red riding hood, then you’ll get a lot of mileage out of pressing one of these bad boys directly onto your clitoris or clitoral hood. If you’re a more sensitive soul and you enjoy soft ripples of vibrations, you can use a “neck massager” vibrator on somewhere like your thigh and let the waves roll across to your clitoris from there. There are also battery operated and rechargeable versions of the body wands but these are usually manufactured and marketed as sex toys and are available from brands like Lelo. Generally they pack a lot less punch and unless you’re after a scaled back version of the Magic Wand I would recommend sticking to the original and the best; a real “neck massager” from your local electronics store.

 

Bullets and Eggs

Clitoral bullets is a term that refers to anything vaguely bullet shaped that’s designed to be used externally for clitoral stimulation, whereas a Clitoral Egg serves the same function it is, surprising everyone, more of an egg shape. The different shapes are designed to distribute the vibrations in alternative ways. A bullet will have an intense very localised sensation, whereas an egg will have a broader surface and a more even distribution of vibration.

 Clitoral bullets come in varying degrees of power. If you love the raw grunt of the Body Wand but hate the inconvenient size, then you really can’t look past either the Sensuelle Point or the We-Vibe Tango. These little guys have all the guts and glory of the Body Wands but with none of the bulk and can both be conveniently recharged via USB or power point. But if you’re after something a little less aggressive there are plenty of options. Lelo has the USB rechargeable Mia 2, Jopen has the Petite and the Envy and then there’s the famous “Silver Bullet” vibrator. Bullets and eggs are fairly common and walking into any sex toy store, or browsing online, you’ll find plenty to select from. The trick is to remember your sex toy buying basics and don’t throw your money at the first thing you see. Do a bit of research and have a think about what’s more likely to get you over the orgasmic line.

 

 

Vibrating Panties

Let me be clear, the word “panties” is one that manages to both repulse and arouse me. So naturally I have very conflicted emotions about vibrating panties. Much like the We-Vibe they’re a rather brilliant idea, but they often fall spectacularly short in practice. Often connected to a battery pack that’s designed to be wedged down your ass crack, these lacy confections are marketed as being sexy; and yet when you put them on you’ll probably feel more like you’re wearing an adult diaper. At least until you turn it on anyway. If you’re lucky, you’ll get a pair that fit well and the clitoral vibe will nestle nicely against your magic eight ball. More likely though you’ll run into the same problem I do, where once you’ve got the vibrator in the right spot you probably won’t be able to move, because every time you do you end up with it vibrating against your labia instead, which feels like the vaginal equivalent of blowing raspberries.

One of the better ones I’ve come across are the Fixsation Vibrating Panties, which manages to keep you feeling sexy and provides easy access to everything that’s not your clitoris, so you can wear it during intercourse.

There are others out there that are remote controlled and are designed to be worn by one party while the other carries the remote around. The idea being that you can go out to dinner and be spontaneously aroused by your partner during your hors d'oeuvres. As someone who enjoys both good sex and good food I can categorically say this is not something I would want my partner to do. But if it’s something you can envisage yourself enjoying, then I say go for it! Make a night of it! But don’t forget that hoiking the thing up every time it falls off your clit is probably going to get old fast so remember to take a spare pair of panties if you think you might need them.

 

Rabbit Ear Clitoral Vibes

These are NOT to be confused with Rabbit Vibrators. Rabbit ear clitoral vibes are small vibrators with two prongs that are designed to sit on either side of the clitoris as they vibrate. These are built for people who prefer a teasing sensation rather than an intense, direct vibration applied to their love nub. I’m going to be honest with you, I’ve never owned one of these before and probably never will since teasing isn’t something my clit takes kindly to. If you know that you like peripheral sensations around your clitoris as opposed to it being touched directly, then I’d recommend giving one of these a whirl. Jimmy Jane makes the Form 2 and there’s the Bunny Muse Massager by NS Novelties which comes complete with expressive LED eyebrows that presumably raise themselves in surprise each time you orgasm.

 

Finger Bullets

Finger Bullets can be the lazy man’s alternative to fingering or they can be a beautiful accompaniment to some digit based down time. These little buggers are designed to be worn on a finger and eliminate any issues that arise from holding a clitoral bullet or egg in the same place. That might not sound like it’s much of a problem that ever needed solving but if you take into account that intense vibrations can make your fingers go numb before your clit does, sometimes holding the thing in the right spot for an extended period of time is a harder task than it sounds. There’s also the small fact that there are many people with muscular issues or various health concerns that make holding relatively small, but strongly vibrating things a bit of a pain in the ass. So finger bullets aren’t quite the crock they might originally seem. They also take up a bit less space than a clitoral egg or bullet, so they be a bit more streamlined if you want something to press against your vagina’s doorbell while you’re having sex. Jopen has their Pyxis Finger Massager, PicoBong has the much bulkier IPO Finger Vibe and there’s the bargain basement Screaming O with their range of assorted clit tingling finger bling.

 

Ticklers

Ticklers are, as they sound, designed to tickle the clit rather than pressing against it for intense vibrations. I am inclined to think that Clit Ticklers are the post it note of the sex toy world; someone invented a motor that was completely rubbish and rather than starting again and creating a better motor they instead found a way to market the shitty one. To be fair though, this is coming from a clitoris who isn’t happy with anything less than 12 volts being applied directly to its head, so you know.

As with the rabbit ear clit vibes, the ticklers are great for people who like a little bit of tease around the clit but don’t really get off on anything applied directly or intensely.

Typically ticklers are things like Doc Johnsons Wonderland range or the actual brand Tickler and their products. Realistically though you can use most clitoral vibrators as a tickler, simply by holding them at the right distance from your vagina’s on switch.

A non-traditional example of the tickler is the Sqweel. Designed to emulate oral sex, but neglecting to realise that receiving head is as much about pressure as it is about a series of rotating tongues, the Sqweel works best when applied lightly as a clit tickler.

 

Novelties

I hate novelties. They are the reason the terrorists hate us. Novelty vibrators and clit stims very, very rarely have any redemptive qualities and are usually designed to be purchased as gag gifts. They often come designed to look like something they’re not, for instance like a tube of lipstick or a mascara, there are some designed to look like cupcakes and some that look like a roll of lifesavers. And let’s not forget the heinous monstrosity that is I Rub My Duckie. These monuments to capitalist consumerism are about as effective as trying to masturbate to a tax return. Please don’t encourage them. Buying these toys makes you look like a high schooler who's desperate to get laid but too shy to asking what "getting laid" actually means. 

 

Lay on Clitoral Vibes

There is a huge range of lay on clitoral vibrators out there, in all shapes and sizes. Most of them are easily recognisable; as any toy with a large flat surface that also vibrates and is probably going to go at least some way towards making your clit happy. Lelo has a whole heap of them, including the Lyla, Siri, Nea, Mia, Alia and Lily ranges. There’s also the Touch by We-Vibe, the LAYAspot by Fun Factory, the iroha mini by Tenga and the Form 3 by Jimmy Jane, just to name a few.

Lay on clitoral vibes will come in both battery operated and rechargeable, some will be waterproof and some definitely won’t be. These can be a great place to start if you’re not sure what you and your clitoris are going to enjoy. Start with something generic and not too pricey and figure out what you want by picking what’s missing from your first toy. If the vibrations aren’t intense enough, try a higher powered clitoral bullet. If you find it’s too overwhelming, maybe consider getting a tickler. Sex toys are a road of discovery and you shouldn’t expect to find the perfect one straight out of the gate.


So that’s your basic survival guide to clitoral sex toys. I hope this has been informative for you and your clitoris and don’t worry, next year that Order of Australia is ours. We’ve earned it fellow clitoris owners!

 

That is all.

 

You may go now.