People...it has come to my attention that some individuals don't own sex toys. I find this heartbreaking and it made my vagina cry. I mean, what do toy-less folks do of an evening? Sit around the pianola and read folksy tales to each other?
To rectify this situation I am going to walk you through the steps to toy ownership, so soon you too can be wiling away the idle hours with orgasms. And remember, you have absolutely no reason to feel any shame when considering buying a sex toy. Masturbation is perfectly healthy, whether you're single or in a relationship, regardless of your gender or sexual orientation. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise!
Buying your first sex toy can be a really daunting prospect. There are so many different kinds to choose from, in so many different colours and materials, with all the different functions...it's exhausting just to think about! But fear not, dear reader, because whether you're after a butt plug, an internal vibrator, a dildo, a clitoral vibe, or even a gift for a friend, we've got you covered.
The first thing I want you to consider is you. Have you masturbated before? Maybe it was unsuccessful and you couldn’t orgasm? Don’t worry, that’s not actually important just yet. When you masturbate or when you have sex, what part do you really enjoy? What part of the act feels good to you? Do you like to focus on your clitoris or g-spot? Do you like to focus on the head of your penis or the shaft? Do you like anal play? Nipple stimulation? It doesn’t matter what you’re into, because I promise you, you’re not the only one. The important part is figuring out what your body responds to. Still not sure? Go have a fiddle with yourself and come back. I’ll wait.
Once you’ve figured out what you actually like, then you can start looking at products that enhance or reproduce that feeling. Sometimes they might not even be toys, they might be lubricants or stimulating gels.
If you have a partner, you may want to consider their feelings about your toy acquisition. Some people can feel threatened by the inclusion of toys in the bedroom, so it’s probably a good idea to have a discussion about it first. If your partner is threatened, find out why and address those concerns. Often toys can bring up feelings of inadequacy, for instance “If I was good in bed, then why would you need the Orgasmatron 6000?”
It’s important to remind your partner that a sex toy can’t talk dirty to you, make out with you, tie you up or hold you afterwards. It’s merely a way of enhancing something that you already enjoy with your partner. They aren’t being replaced. It can be helpful to introduce the topic of toys to your partner in the form of a turn on. For instance “I would find it so hot if you fucked me with a dildo,” or “I would lose my shit if I could fuck you while I was wearing a cock ring.” This helps to introduce toys as what they are, an enhancement, not the main attraction.
Once you know what you want your toy to do, it’s time to start considering cost. Some sex toys are dirt cheap, some aren’t. Sadly, like so many things in this world, you do tend to get what you pay for. Cheap toys are, generally speaking, nasty toys. They’re made with low quality materials and will often break, or in the worst case scenario, potentially hurt you. Having said that, many of the high quality products can be overpriced and unless you know that you really like that particular brand, it’s probably not worth the expense, especially not for your first toy.
For your first purchase, you want to stick to the middle of the road, in terms of price. This will ensure that you get a decent quality toy, without running the risk of paying a small fortune for something that you don’t enjoy.
When buying a toy, there’s only a couple of things you should really keep an eye out for. Make sure that it doesn’t contain “phthalates”, this completely unpronounceable material has been recognised as a carcinogenic, so you really don’t want to put it near your fun bits.
Toys that are made from glass, ceramic, granite, steel, aluminium or silicone are all a good bet in terms of safety. Anything that’s made out of plastic, rubber or jelly should be on your NO GO list, since these are all materials that are known breeding grounds for bacteria. Not something you want to put in, on or around your junk.
Now for the fun part – research and reconnaissance.
You may find that after some quick googling the perfect toy is sitting there, on sale and online. The temptation may be to just click “add to cart”, checkout and be done with it. Resist temptation (for now).
What you really want to do first is look up some reviews of the product. If you can't find a review of your chosen toy here at Smut Buttons, there are some other awesome review sites out there and they should really be your first port of call before even selecting a specific toy. A good review will tell you what kind of stimulation the toy is best suited for. Not all sex toys are equal!
A review of a clitoral vibrator will tell you whether it’s suited to someone who likes gentle or intense vibrations. A review of a fleshlight will tell you whether it feels realistic or super stimulating. These are important facts to gather before making a purchase.
It’s at this point that, if you’re brave enough, you can consider going into a shop for a touch test.
Yes, a shop, you know those buildings we used to buy commodities from.
If your product is mainstream enough, you can go in to a sex toy store and ask to see one.
Some stores will have testers on display so you can have a feel of them and decide whether you like the texture or the strength of the vibrations, etc.
You don’t have to buy it in the store if you found it cheaper online, but be sure to thank the sales assistant for their time, because they’re not stupid, they know exactly what you’re doing.
Now you’re finally ready to make your purchase.
At this point you can simply shop around for the best price on your specific item. Keep in mind that if you’re buying electrical items (i.e. a toy that plugs in to a wall socket) from international suppliers, the voltage or adapter may not work in your country.
This would be very sad, so double check before you buy.
Once your toy arrives make sure you give it a wash before use. Just soap and water is fine, but don’t submerge it in a basin if it’s not waterproof.
Once you’re finished with the maiden voyage, remember to wash the toy again before popping it into storage.
The most important part of this whole endeavour though, don’t freak out if it didn’t rock your world.
Don't be afraid to play around with different positions while using your new toy.
We tend to emulate the positions that we've seen in porn and on television, but that's not always what's going to work best for you.
Lying on your back didn't work? Try propping yourself up on your knees, or bending over doggy style. You might feel silly, but there's nothing wrong with it, if it works for you.
Some toys take a while to get used to and you may need to relax enough to let it work its magic.
You may have assumed you wanted to use your toy solo, but it might be more fun with a friend.
And some toys just won’t do it for you. That’s not your fault, you’re not broken, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you.
Your body is unique and not everything is going to take it to O-town.
Give your new toy a chance to prove itself, but if you try and try again to no avail then it’s time to reassess.
Look at what works about the toy and what doesn’t and then apply this knowledge to your next toy purchase.
That’s right buddy, you aren’t stopping at just one. You have to catch them all!
Happy wanking my friends!
That is all.
You may go now.