STOP! Were you thinking of buying a sex toy for someone else? We have a guide for that!

People...it has come to my attention that some individuals don't own sex toys. I find this heartbreaking. It made my vagina cry. I mean, what do toy-less folks do of an evening? Sit around the pianola and read folksy tales to each other?

To rectify this situation I'm going to walk you through the steps to toy ownership, so soon you too can be wiling away your idle hours with orgasms.

The most important thing to remember as you embark on this journey, is that you have absolutely no reason to feel any shame when purchasing a pleasure device. Masturbation is perfectly healthy, whether you're single or in a relationship, regardless of your gender or sexual orientation. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise!

Buying your first sex toy can be a really daunting prospect. There are so many different kinds to choose from, in so many different colours and materials, with all the different functions...it's exhausting just to think about! But fear not, dear reader, because whether you're after an anal toy, an internal vibrator, a dildo, a clitoral vibe, or even a gift for a friend, we've got you covered.

Step 1: You

The first thing you need to consider is you. Have you masturbated before? Maybe it was unsuccessful and you couldn’t orgasm? When you masturbate or when you have sex, what part do you really enjoy? What part of the act feels good to you? Do you like to focus on your clitoris or g-spot? Do you like to focus on the head of your penis or the shaft? Do you like anal play? Nipple stimulation? Don’t feel embarrassed if you’re into something that doesn’t seem ‘mainstream’. If the internet has taught us anything, it’s that you’re definitely not the only one.

The most important step before buying a toy is figuring out what your body responds to.

Still not sure? Go have a fiddle with yourself and come back. I’ll wait.

All done?

It’s only once you’ve figured out what you enjoy that you can start looking at products that can enhance or reproduce that feeling. Sometimes you might realise that the thing you really want isn’t actually a toy. It might be lubricants or stimulating gels, it might be bondage tape or rope to use with a partner, or it might be an erotic novel or porn. But whatever it is, it will be part of a process of discovery.

Step 2: Your partner

If you have a partner, you may want to consider their feelings about your toy acquisition. Some people can feel threatened by the inclusion of toys in the bedroom, so it’s a good idea to have a discussion about it first. If your partner is threatened, find out why and address those concerns. Often toys can bring up feelings of inadequacy, for instance “If I was good in bed, then why would you need the Orgasmatron 6000?”

It’s important to remind your partner that a sex toy can’t talk dirty to you, make out with you, tie you up or cuddle with you afterwards. It’s merely a way of enhancing something that you already enjoy with your partner, or something that you already do on your own. No one is being replaced.

If you’re looking for something that could be incorporated into couples play, it can be helpful to introduce the topic to your partner in the form of a turn on. For instance “I would find it so hot if you fucked me with a dildo,” or “I would lose my shit if I could fuck you while I was wearing a cock ring.” This helps to introduce toys as what they are - an enhancement, not the main attraction.

Step 3: Cost

Once you know what you want your toy to do, it’s time to start considering cost. Some sex toys are dirt cheap, some aren’t. Sadly, like so many things in this world, you do tend to get what you pay for. Cheap toys are, generally speaking, nasty toys. They’re made with low quality materials and will often break, or in the worst case scenario, potentially hurt you. Having said that, many high quality products can be overpriced and unless you know that you really like that particular brand, it’s probably not worth the expense for your first toy.

For your first purchase, you want to stick to the middle of the road, in terms of price. This will ensure that you get a decent quality toy, without running the risk of paying a small fortune for something that may not get you off.

Step 4: Safety

When buying a toy, there’s only a couple of things you should really keep an eye out for. Make sure that it doesn’t contain “phthalates”, this completely unpronounceable material has been recognised as a carcinogenic, so you really don’t want to put it near your fun bits.

Toys that are made from glass, ceramic, granite, steel, aluminium or silicone are all a good bet in terms of safety. Anything that’s made out of plastic, rubber or jelly should be on your NO GO list, since these are all materials that are known breeding grounds for bacteria. Not something you want to put in, on or around your junk.

If you’re looking into anal toys, make sure you’re looking at products with an appropriately flared base, unless you want to end up having an awkward conversation with an emergency room doctor.

Step 5: Research

Now for the fun part – research and reconnaissance.

You may find that after some quick googling the perfect toy is sitting there, on sale and online. The temptation may be to just click “add to cart”, checkout and be done with it. Resist temptation (for now).

What you really want to do first is look up some reviews of the product you’re interested in. If you can't find a review of your chosen toy here at Smut Buttons, there are some other awesome review sites out there and they should really be your first port of call before selecting a specific toy. A good review will tell you what kind of stimulation the toy is best suited for. Remember: not all sex toys are equal!

A review of a clitoral vibrator will tell you whether it’s suited to someone who likes gentle or intense vibrations. A review of a fleshlight will tell you whether it feels realistic or super stimulating. These are important facts to gather before making a purchase.

It’s at this point, if you’re brave enough, you can consider going into a physical store to have a touch test. If your product is mainstream enough, you can go in to a sex toy store and ask to see a ‘demo unit’ or ‘tester’ of the product. Some sales staff will even be kind enough to open the packaging on a unit so that you can see how it feels (but remember this later, because this is why we always wash sex toys before using them).

The purpose of a touch test is to see how you feel about things like, the size, the texture of the material it’s made from, the strength of vibrations, etc. Sex toys and products are a very physical experience, so buying one without holding it in your hands first can lead to disappointment.

You don’t have to buy the toy in the store if you found it cheaper online, but be sure to thank the sales assistant for their time, because they’re not stupid, they know exactly what you’re doing.

Step 6: Purchase

Now you’re finally ready to make your purchase.

At this point you can simply shop around for the best price on your specific item. Keep in mind that if you’re buying electrical items (i.e. a toy that plugs in to a wall socket) from international suppliers, the adapter may not work in your country. While an international adapter is an option for these items, make sure that it would work with the voltage that your toy needs, as different countries have different voltage outputs.

Also, before clicking ‘check out’ consider the correct kind of lubricant you’ll need to use with this toy if you’re planning on sending it into any of your orifices (check out our guide to lube for more info).

Step 7: Cleaning and storage

Once your toy arrives make sure you give it a wash before use (remember all the hands that might have touched it before it got to you).

When it comes to cleaning sex toys, there are a lot of people who will try and sell you ‘toy cleaner’. Do not buy this. Most of the time it contains chemicals that you wouldn't want on or near your genitals the next time you use it.

The majority of sex toys can be cleaned with the normal soap you use on your body, and water or a damp towel.

If your toy is motorised (e.g. it uses batteries/recharges) make sure you don’t submerge it in water, unless it specifically states that it is waterproof.

If your toy doesn’t have any kind of motor (e.g. a dildo, butt plug, etc) then you can usually place it in boiling water to sterilise it properly. Some people will even put their toys in the dishwasher for sterilisation.

The reason we recommend not buying cheaper toys made from plastic, jelly, etc is because when it comes time to clean them, the material is porous, which means that you’re never going to get it 100% clean. So if you do have a toy like that in your collection that you’re loathe to part with, make sure you always use a condom over it to protect yourself from any nasties.

If you buy something that’s made with ‘cyber skin’ or ‘fantaflesh’ or any other kind of proprietary material (usually the case with masturbators like fleshlights), make sure you follow the cleaning instructions it came with. These materials are usually very delicate and easy to destroy.

Once you’re finished with the maiden voyage, remember to wash the toy again before popping it into storage.

Most toys will come with a storage bag, usually made of a satin material. Unless you’re storing your toy in a place free from dust, it’s a good idea to use these storage bags. It lets you keep the manual, warranty paperwork, charging cables, etc all in one place, as well as keeping the toy clean until its next use.

Step 8: Don’t panic!

The most important part of this whole endeavour though, don’t freak out if it didn’t rock your world.

Don't be afraid to play around with different positions while using your new toy.

We tend to emulate the positions that we've seen in porn and on television, but that's not always what's going to work best for you. Lying on your back didn't work? Try propping yourself up on your knees, or bending over doggy style. You might feel silly, but there's nothing wrong with it if it works.

Some toys take a while to get used to and you may need to relax enough to let it work its magic.

You may have assumed you wanted to use your toy solo, but it might be more fun with a friend.

And some toys just won’t do it for you. That’s not your fault, you’re not broken, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. Your body is unique and not everything is going to take it to O-town. And sometimes that won’t even matter - there’s a lot of fun that can be had without it needing to end in an orgasm.

But remember to give your new toy a chance to prove itself, and if you try and try again to no avail then it’s time to reassess. Look at what does work about the toy and what doesn’t and then apply this knowledge to your next toy purchase.

That’s right, you aren’t stopping at just one. You gotta catch them all!

That is all.

You may go now.